Wednesday, 24 August 2011

But I'm So Tired Of Struggling

Today was a struggle, I felt like I was pushing my way through water all the time. Sitting down I was fine but even a small walk to the loo was slow and painful. My chest feels like it has been blow torched. I'm thinking it is because of all the coughing I'd been doing over the last week or so. I have no energy at all and feel totally weak. For the first time I can ever remember my heart wasn't in the job and I really didn't care. This is not like me, I feel as though I'm in an alien body. I'm hating being up one day and down the next, especially as the down days are beginning to outweigh the up days. Part of me is getting scared because I feel as though I'm on a downward slope now and the harder I fight the faster I fall. And fighting is becoming so difficult now, I just don't feel I have the energy for it anymore.

Did anyone see Harry's Hero's on BBC 1 last night. This is about four wounded servicemen who had survived terrible injuries and were now going to the north pole to raise money for the Help For Heros charity. How inspirational were those men? So brave and determined not to let their disability get in the way of doing something to help others. I have to admit I became quite tearful looking at their terrible injuries. The fact that they are walking again is amazing, let alone trogging across a frozen ice cap. Part two is being shown next Tuesday and I recommend you catch it if you can.

After all the excitement of collecting furniture yesterday this evening is going to be a much quieter affair. Laurence was back at work and we are all gathering energy ready for the next onslaught. Probably sometime next week.

Andrew has spent a quiet day recovering from a double bashing of karate and kung fu.

So tonight I am planning a really early night, there isn't much on TV that will tempt me into staying up. I only have two more days to go before four days off and if I can get through them I will be very pleased with myself. I'm hoping that a good long sleep will help my health and my mood. If neither have improved by the weekend I'll be phoning the hospital on Monday and asking for their advice, again. I'm still debating as to how long I should continue working. I've given the matter a lot of thought but can't quite make myself to admit defeat. It would be foolish to throw in the towel just because I've hit a bad patch. On the other hand I don't want to fall off the twig whilst still at work. Decisions, decisions. Ho hum, life is never easy and straight forward is it.