Sunday, 31 July 2011

Down, Down, Deeper And Down

I'm off work, again! So, so upset. When will it all stop?

With the best will in the world I just could not get out of bed this morning. Although the tablets have stopped the vomiting I'm still feeling really rough and have stopped eating again, bang goes my weight gain. On top of that I've developed asthma like symptoms and am coughing and wheezing like there is no tomorrow. I've doubled up on my inhalers but they are not having much effect.I'm going to see my GP tomorrow and am hoping it is either the beginnings of a chest infection or a cold. I know is sounds odd hoping for an infection but if it isn't then I might well be developing a sensitivity to the treatment and that is what I worry about most of all. That's what happened to the Iloprost after only six months. I started off having bad asthma symptoms and then developed a rash. I've only been on the Flolan eight weeks and am terrified it is happening all again. I just couldn't bare it if after all that I've been through they have to stop the treatment.

I've been thinking about work a lot today and am wondering if the time is drawing near to calling it quits. I hate letting my colleagues down and feel so guilty when I know how work is struggling for staff. I can't keep taking time off it is just not fair on them. I'm going to have to weigh up my options very, very carefully and discuss it with Peter and my specialist team to see what they think. I don't want to do it but there comes a time when it is better to go gracefully than get booted out kicking and screaming, and I've always been a graceful kind off girl.

I spent the morning catching up on the papers and the TV I've recorded while away in Wales then cooked a pasta for the boys before settling down to watch the Grand Prix, Button won which cheered my up enormously. We are going to have film night tonight and I've bagged 'Showtime' with Robert De Nero and Eddie Murphy. I watched this film for the first time in the middle of the Atlantic on a flight to San Francisco and have loved it ever since. If that doesn't bring me out of my black mood nothing will.