Tuesday, 14 June 2011

Every Now And Then I Fall Apart

Today has been rather traumatic to say the least. I had a major, major panic. I hardly slept last night as I was going through how much my life would change with a pump attached to me 24/7. All the things I will no longer be able to do, in the early hours the problems seemed to just grow and grow. This morning I just freaked out. I didn't want it, I'd put up with how I am and make the best of it. I ended up packing my bag and left the ward. I got as far as the front door and stood there trying to work out what the hell I did next. I don't know how I got myself and all my bags to the front door as at the moment carrying anything is a struggle and yet I'd made it from the fifth floor with a heavy suitcase, laptop bag, handbag and drug bag. I can't even remember how I got there. I phoned Peter and sobbed down the phone that I'd changed my mind. He suggested that I go to the PALS office and see if they could help so I dragged my stuff along the corridor and knocked on the door. The poor woman inside must have wondered what had hit her as a near hysterical, sobbing, breathless woman tumbled into her room muttering incoherantly about wanting to go home. She calmed me down and got one of the women cardiac consultants to come and talk to me, they were both brilliant and could see exactly where I was coming form. Half and hour later I was back on the ward.

When the time finally came to start the treatment I was in tears again, if I could have walked I would have but my previous adventure had knackered me so I couldn't go anywhere even if I tried. I couldn't believe how I felt after hoping for this for so long. How stupid! Anyway, three hours in to treatment and I'm doing well, no improvement yet but a bit much to expect on such a small dose. On the plus side no bad reaction and no side effects, maybe I'm going to be OK after all.

Apart from the bit of entertainment provided by my panic attack it's been another dull twenty four hours and the other residents of the ward were in equally morose mood and it has been a day of tears. Most of us are coming up to our first week in hospital while a couple are past that and well into their second. The only bright spot was the diabetic lady who was caught out indulging her love of biscuits and tried to lie about what she'd been eating. Funny yes but I wonder if she realises the damage she could be doing to herself. Some people are their own worst enemies, including me.

Lack of sleep, anxiety and excitement have really done the triple whammy on me and writing this is the last thing I'll be doing before trying to settle down for a good night, I hope. If I continue to be stable throughout the night they will be doubling the dose tomorrow, something else to look forward to.