Wednesday, 22 August 2012

Suicide Is Painless

Actually it is not. Pain in death is as inevitable as death itself the only uncertainty is how much.

I have had numerous messages sending good wishes and advice. I thank you all for that and will try to reply to you individually once the storm has blown over. Out of it all there were two pieces that I am currently mulling over and using as a raft to cling to, one is 'don't let the bastards get you down' the other is 'don't get mad, get even' a bit of a tough call that one at the moment. Be assured though that suicide will never be an option for me. I have always viewed suicide as a cowards way out and I may be many things but a coward I am not, well OK, I am a bit of a coward when it comes to needles. And spiders. And heights but overall I am not cowardly by nature. I won't say there haven't been times when I haven't considered it because I'd be lying but it is not for me, I'm going to have to wait for nature to take it's course.

I thought I was in luck last night when I thought for about five minutes that I was having a heart attack. I felt a sudden crushing pain, felt sick and broke out in a sweat. Unfortunately the episode passed and I live to face another day. I can't say I'm not disappointed as dying of a stress related heart attack two days later would probably the best 'up yours' I could hope to get but I'm going to have to think of another way, such is life. Talking of which isn't it funny that you can be clinging desperately to any hope one minute and then be wishing it would all just stop the next.

So how am I? Well still seething basically, I have had about three hours sleep since Sunday night, I managed a couple of blissful hours of oblivion on the settee last night. Every now and then white fury rolls in but it is not constant as it was yesterday. I'm having bouts of palpitations, almost certainly stress related, and the knot in my stomach means I haven't eaten properly for days. To top it all my breathing is terrible, again I suspect because of the stress.

I've set about thinking why I have taken this one thing so badly when every thing else that has happened in the last six months or so have rolled off me like water on a duck's back. Even the transplant fiasco didn't hit me this hard, yes I had a cry and a couple of days feeling miserable but nothing compared to this. I can only assume that this last event was the step to far, the final straw, the catalyst that brought everything to the surface. And boy did it surface and is still doing so.

I am now able to think calmly for short periods of time so I've started making plans, unfortunately these plans still regularly descend into commenting some act of violence so I have to think in short spurts. I have elicited help and advice from a trusted source and have had an offer from a very surprising and unexpected place that I will consider when I can start weighing up all my options sensibly.

I have taken steps to protect myself by removing a dozen or so people that either have, or have the potential to, hurt me further from my life and the barrier is coming along nicely, just a couple more things to do and then I will be safe and the healing process can begin.

Today my main priority to to try and calm down. I am due for a check up at the Brompton on Friday and in my current state it is unlikely to go well. If I can get some sleep it will be a bonus.