Tuesday, 21 August 2012

A Trust Betrayed

I've made the fatal mistake of letting my guard down.

From a very early age my mantra has been don't trust anyone, don't let anyone in, keep everything to yourself as much as possible. That of course has changed over the years and now I can count three people whom I totally and utterly trust and they are the three men in my life.

I began to think that maybe it was time to start lowering the barriers, let others in. PH is a lonely illness at the best of times and I figured I needed as much support as I could get but what happened? The minute I did so they set about destroying me, I've never been so hurt and humiliated. And I am so angry I am even scaring myself. Even being turned down for transplant didn't hurt as much as this and why? Because that decision was made by strangers this was done by people I looked up to, people I though cared, people I thought were on my side, people I though I could turn too when the chips were down, people I took a risk on and let in. The anguish I feel is overwhelming, gradually every piece of me is being taken away and with each loss I am in agony.

The justification is that it is 'for my own good', 'to help me', 'to give me breathing space'. Things I've heard countless times before and which actually mean it is better for them.

So I'm rebuilding my barriers, pulling down the shutters and retreating to lick my wounds and mend my protective shell. Things will now be kept within the family and only the family. I don't even know if I can bring myself to continue this blog anymore.

I cried at first long and hard, so hard my ribs still ache this morning then the anger came. It is intense and destructive and so far shows no signs of abating. It kept me awake all night and has robbed me of the little appetite I had. I know I must control it in order to calmly think about what has happened.

Over the last few years I have done everything asked of me and more. There have been times when I've been in such pain I couldn't breath. There have been times when I could hardly put one foot in front of the other. And there have been times when I've gone to bed sincerely hoping I didn't wake up but I've pulled myself out of bed and been there for them and all I get in return is kicked in the teeth.

This is the deepest I have fallen and this time I don't think I'm going to be able to crawl back to the top. I might get halfway but then again I might decide it is time to stop fighting and accept that I am swimming an increasingly strong tide.