Monday, 18 April 2011

Working 9 to 5

I really must try not to let work stress me out so much. Don't get me wrong it is a great job but sometimes I do wonder if it is worth all the effort. To be honest this is not what I envisaged doing at this stage of my working life. I so enjoyed teaching and I was bloody good at it too. If I'd been able to continue I might even have been a department head by now. There is so much I could have done and its all been taken away from me and I'm bloody angry about it. On top of all this anger is the frustration of knowing  I'm never going to match up to expectations in my current job. It's impossible, I'm too ill to put it the time and the effort to be really good at it. There are so many aspects to it, so many things that can go wrong you have to be on the ball all the time. I really admire my colleagues they are so knowledgeable and seem to glide effortlessly through the toughest problems. nothing seems to phase them. I am struggling so much. I could play the 'poorly' card but it is against my nature to make excuses. I hate not being good at what I do, it is so frustrating.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not a disaster zone but when I'm in pain or tired or just not feeling well I get impatient and snappy and make stupid mistakes. I know it's happening but can't stop myself. I've been told I can take extra breaks if I need to but I feel so guilty about putting more pressure on those I work with. So what to do?

If I'm honest I know my working days are numbered, I know that. There is no way I'll make it to retirement age. I'll have to give up way before then. The question is how long to keep going. Do I accept the extra help on offer and keep going, all the time feeling guilty about being carried by the others? Or do I give in gracefully and stay at home looking after myself while slowly driving myself and everyone else mad? Neither seems a good option to me but it is a problem I'm going to have to address sooner rather than later. I guess this is something I'm going to have to think really hard about but not when I've just come home from work and am feeling tired and emotional. Sorry about the moan.