Friday, 6 September 2013

A Letter to Myself

Dear Hazel

I am writing this letter because someone has to give you a good talking too and it may as well be me.

Why are you sitting there feeling guilty? For God's sake girl you are DYING! Got That! If anyone had a good reason for being off sick you do but every single time we have to go through the agonising and the worrying and the guilt. Why? Why do you do that? All it does is cause you more stress which you really do not need. Yes, I know, you have tried to put it under control but trying isn't enough, you need to do it.

Yes there probably are people at work who are moaning about you being off again, I can think of two in particular but what you have to wonder is, if they were in your position would they even be in work? There are some who think you are making up being ill, though how you can fake an IV line for two whole years I don't know, and there are some who dislike all the attention you get. What you have to remember is that the sarky comments, the nasty messages and the bitching is for one of two reasons. Either they are jealous, though why anyone would be jealous of your situation I don't know, or they are scared of you. Whatever the cause, remember the problem is theirs not yours. You cannot control how people view you or how they feel about you so ignore them.

What you have to remember is that your inner strength is something a lot of people do not have. Goodness girl, even I didn't know you had it and it's down righ scary. Despite everything that is happening to you, you still force yourself out of bed most mornings and do a full day's work. From the outside you appear so serene no one can guess how much pain you are in or how afraid you are, or how much you struggle but I know and sometimes I really think you are crazy.

Look at the stupid things you've done. Two years ago you were in ICU with hours to live. You had chronic heart failure and your heart was giving up but did you tell anyone? No, you had 'flu' and you were back at work three weeks later telling everyone you were 'fine'. What's worse you faced that alone. You had no visitors, except you husband, because you didn't want anyone to see you in such a state and worry.

Hazel you are a strong lady but it's time to start letting people in, to ask for help, to admit you can't do this all on your own. The time is coming when you will no longer be able to go into work, you know that, the doctors know that and I suspect even your more enlightened work mates know that. To admit the time has come will take wisdom, too walk away will take courage. You have both.

So my girl, stop thinking you are letting everyone down and stop worrying what others think. If you are ill but want to sit in the garden and read you do it and ignore the petty complainants. Unlike them you may not be here next summer, so enjoy everything you can, when you can. Most of all stop thinking of others, you haven't got the time. You and your transplant are the most important things in the world right now, and if some people can't understand that then you don't need them in your life. You have friends Hazel, probably more than you know, and they are all on standby itching to be useful. All you have to do is stop trying to be Superwoman and ask.

You friend