Tuesday, 30 October 2012

Considering The Future

This blog is early because I am not well, actually we all know that but at the moment I'm more not well than usual.

I've been feeling 'off' for about three weeks and repeated visits to the GP haven't revealed the usual reasons. My lungs are crisp and clear with no hint of infection or asthma. It could be a virus, there are a lot of those floating around and it is entirely possible for me to have caught one while recovering from another. However he could not be sure as I have no temperature, even though I feel shivery and no other symptoms that give any clue at all. As a precaution he has advised me to get in touch with my PH team to see if there is anything more sinister going on. I have been in touch and am now waiting for them to get back to me.

Naturally my fears are that my medication is failing. As my body seems to reject medications on a regular basis this would not surprise me at all. I went through the same period of bad health eighteen months ago when the Iloprost stopped working. Eighteen months is possibly the longest a medication has worked for me so I have been rather fortunate with the Flolan. Of course it might not be a complete failure, it is more likely that my PH as progressed and I need a stronger dose.

An increase will bring it's own problems. I've already practically given up on eating as I'm continually sick. Too give you an idea yesterday I ate half a bowl of porridge, one four fingered Kitkat, one egg mayo roll and a small bowl of home made tomato soup. Not bad for me except I was sick three times. My GP has told me not to worry about being so sick as he reckons that even if I only keep something down for 20 minutes I'll get some benefit out of it. My weight loss would beg to differ. The sickness tablets work to some extent but if I take anything stronger they turn me into a zombie.

And so the old dilemma of 'where do I go from here' is back again.

As regular readers will know I have been considering giving up work for some time now. This latest development has brought the whole question of whether to stay or go to the fore once more.

I am struggling at the moment. I'm finding it harder to get myself up and about in the mornings, I'm constantly tired and spend the day battling to stay awake. I'm in constant pain, something that is not helped by being sick all the time, and I am no longer enjoying being there. Now I always said I'd know when the time came to finally throw in the towel and I must admit I feel it is closer now than it has ever been. Originally I said I'd stay on until Christmas, now we are about to change our shift patterns just after Christmas and that might be the trigger I need. I don't know what hours/days I am working yet but I fear that I might not be able to cope as whatever happens I will no longer have a four day rest between each shift. So do I bale before Christmas or do I give the new shift pattern a go and see how I get on? I just don't know the answer but I suspect that if my health really has taken a downward turn the decision may well be out of my hands anyway.

Tarmac is much improved and is back to his weird and wonderful self. I spent a lovely hour cuddling him this morning as I read the newspaper in bed. He purred loudly and snuggled really closely, every now and then rolling over for a tummy tickle. In short he's been an absolute joy, I am praying that the vet is wrong.

The weekend was a huge success, Svet and Andrew had a wonderful few days together which were over all too soon. On Sunday Andrew wrote on his face book page that he didn't want to go back to uni that night. I can understand that. It must be so difficult them being so far apart most of the time. On the bright side though Svet will be back in January and Andrew is already planning to spend most of his Easter and summer holidays over in Bulgeria. Between uni and Svet it seems I have finally lost him but I'm pleased that he is doing what he wants with his life as long as he is happy.

Strictly Watch

OK I obviously haven't got a clue when it come to predicting winners.

In my defense who would have thought that Michael would turn the tables so completely? He caught everyone out and the sudden turn around saw two of my favourites in the bottom two.

I was surprised that Colin was one of them but have to admit that Kristina's jumping and crawling all over him is beginning to irritate and get in the way of actual dancing. Sid I'm afraid had to go. Technically it wasn't his fault that he was so awful this week. Having to train with one dancer and then actually perform with another can never be easy and the lack of continuity showed. Ah well at least Colin made it through.

Star of the show had to be Louis, it was just brilliant. I haven't enjoyed a Tango as much in several seasons. I do hope he goes right through to the final. Others that I enjoyed were Victoria and Fern though I thought Fern was a bit tame considering the music she danced too. I was pleased to see Denise did not get universal praise this time as I thought her routine dull and awkward. Lisa was another who let the side down, sooner or later she is going to have to realise that pulling faces and being 'bubbly' only goes so far. Pity after such a promising start.

Bottom two for me next week, actually let's not go there.

There may or may not be a blog tomorrow, depends on whether I will be heading for the Brompton.