Saturday, 11 May 2013

Delight, Jealousy and Sadness

The news so far is that Anne came out of surgery yesterday morning and is doing really well. She has been kept sedated but they hope to wake her sometime today.

A few of us on the transplant list have been discussing our feelings when we hear someone has been successful. The emotions range from immense happiness for the person getting their new life and intense sadness for ourselves. Some also admit feeling jealousy and anger, all of which are perfectly normal. One of my PH friends posted on her blog how she felt, Stacie has been waiting a lot longer than me so I feel had more right to be disappointed, and she expressed how guilty she felt about those feelings. I know just how she feels and replied to her with this.

I know how you feel Stacie and expressed similar emotions in my own blog yesterday. Emotions are very mixed, you feel elated for the person who struck lucky but at the same time feel jealous and upset that it wasn't you. I'm sure everyone on the list will be feeling exactly the same. Of course the overwhelming emotion will be guilt at feeling like this at all. You and I are only human and what we are feeling is only natural. I'm sure Anne, Sita and everyone else who's had a transplant would not be angry that we feel that way. From what I know about post transplant patients, Anne herself will feel tremendous guilt at having leapfrogged the queue and we will have to reassure her that we don't feel any resentment. Sometimes 'being only human' is bloody hard.

I think that just about sums everything up.

A bit damp.

Yesterday evening we had such a downpour. The rain just came down in sheets and sheets. It happens every year you get the cherry blossom in full bloom and then along comes a high wind and a heavy downpour to wash it all away.

My garden is looking at its very best at the moment and in the sunshine is really beautiful, even though I haven't touched any of it yet. This weekend's planned gardening session has been put in hold due to the double whammy of infection and rain but, if you ignore the herb garden, the rest of it looks pretty good without any human interference.

Today my eldest is coming to lunch with us. I would like to say he is coming to comfort his poor sick mother but in reality I know he is coming to talk about 'the tattoo'. It would be fair to say that Laurence was horrified when he found out what his baby brother had done.

Andrew is in a more relaxed mood having completed his end of year exams. He now has two weeks with nothing to do until his six week placement starts at the beginning of June. He has decided to go to Bulgaria for one of those weeks as it is Svet's birthday and prom so will be jetting out on Tuesday and coming back the following Wednesday. Oh to be young and fit enough to be able to just go off like that without a care in the world. Once again I wish I was a little more adventurous in my twenties but in the early eighties, in Wales you just didn't do things like that. An adventure was setting foot in England, especially as my mother thought we needed a passport to get there. (Only joking, but she did have some very funny ideas about travelling, and still does).

Two of my colourful bushes

My chest infection has really taken hold and last night my oxygen sats were down to 79%. Today they have improved to 83% but I'm going to have to use my oxygen and just hope the antibiotics kick in really quickly or I can see another week off work damn it!

I don't often pray, well never formally actually. Prayers are usually said while I'm doing something else or in the early hours of the morning when I can't sleep. They usually take one of two forms along the line of 'please let it be my turn tonight' or 'dear God please don't let me die'. When I'm feeling ill these are combined and said with fervent intensity and last night I said this prayer over and over again and am still saying it in my head. One day I hope it is heard and answered.

So time to pull myself out of the doldrums, set about making something nice for lunch and start flexing my refereeing muscles because I think I'm going to need them.