Tuesday, 10 January 2012

Oh No, I've Said Too Much

An early night followed by a lie in and I'm feeling so much better already. Had a long bath bomb soak and the transformation from knackered zombie to bouncy human being is almost complete, I say almost because I don't bounce anymore, well not physically but inside I'm jumping around like a two year old. I felt so good that by ten I'd loaded the dishwasher, done my white wash and mopped all the hard flooring. Then it was a quick change and off to the Lethal and Deadly for my warfarin test.

As from Jan 1st the clinics have swapped from afternoons to mornings and we all have been allocated an hour slot in which to turn up, mine is between ten and eleven on Tuesdays. I had two worries, one would be that I'd been given a different time slot from my old ladies and that being the morning, parking would be even more difficult. As it turned out my fears about parking were spot on and I had to walk into the hospital leaving Peter to find a parking space in a side street as on site parking was manic. Fortunately my old ladies were still with me though I sensed an atmosphere. Grace was not amongst them this morning, I do hope she hasn't been changed, but most of the others were and I feel there has been some sort of falling out. They were all sitting as far away from each other as possible and shooting malevolent looks across the gaps. One kept banging the floor with her walking stick as though she wanted to hit someone. I decided to sit away from them and watch and try and figure out what was going on. Unfortunately my time of observation was cut short as besides me and the gang there were only five people waiting so I hardly had time to open my book when my name was called and I was done. I wonder what that was all about. Maybe Grace is the one that keeps them all together and when she isn't around they revert to hating each other. I rather hope my next appointment is sooner rather than later now so I can see what happens next.

Next stop was Tesco's and to counter the over indulgence and masses of chocolate, cheese and pastry we've consumed the last three weeks I headed straight to the fruit and veg and stocked up on loads of healthy stuff. I have a bit of a dilemma, the stuffing has had a positive effect and I've finally put a bit of weight back on, five pounds to be exact, the most I've put on in almost six months. So now I've got to work out how to return to my normal diet without losing the weight I've gained and while trying to put on more. I guess I'm just going to have to sprinkle some chocolate bars amongst the apple and tangerines and hope for the best. At a time when everyone is desperately trying to lose weight I feel quite guilty about being thrilled at putting it on. People do not tend to see weight loss as a bad thing but it can cause as many problems as being over weight, especially when you are trying to get into the best condition you can before a major op like transplant. To much weight and it makes the op difficult for the team working on you, too little weight and you haven't got enough reserves to fall back on for recovery. Hopefully my reserves are now building up again and I'm giving myself the best chance I can.

This afternoon it has been feet up with a nice cuppa and a DVD. I maybe feeling better but I know when to slow down and this was one of those times. I dozed for a time and then read the paper before Andrew came home in his newly formed cloud of gloom.

We had an blazing row last night, it was my fault I really shouldn't have flown off the handle but when I explain you'll see why.

Andrew has started to panic about his A levels, he's been turned down for two of the four courses he applied for and has become despondent. He has started to believe he will not get into university now and has gone rushing off to find something else. He found this website offering an apprenticeship in a laboratory in Northampton, which was fine except they expected him to start at the end of the month right in the middle of his first round of exams. He jumped at the offer and was ready to give up all he'd worked so hard for these last two years. I saw red, he's always said that he'd hate working in some routine, dead end job and yet here he was rushing head long into one. I could instantly see him regretting his choice in a very short time and a future of having to do things the hard way if he ever wanted other qualifications. So for the first time in years I screamed at him and told him it just wasn't going to happen, he screamed back saying he was an adult and could do what he wanted. He's right of course, which made me even angrier. To cut a long story short we ended up the day not speaking and are still not speaking. I just want to sit down with him and explain that he could go so much further if he got his A levels, and that he could still get a university place through clearing, and that he still could get an offer but he's not willing to listen to anything I have to say at the moment. It breaks my heart as we are normally really close and we've never badly fallen out before. I'm just hoping that when he calms down he'll see that I meant well even if I went about it in totally the wrong way.

If you have kids then sometimes you just can't do right for doing wrong. I hope we can return to our old relationships but I fear this might take some time to repair.