Friday, 21 February 2014

“I know I have but the body of a weak and feeble woman, but I have the heart and stomach of a king"

Today it is fourteen months since I was put on the transplant list. To be honest I really thought that by now I'd have had the op, be back in work and getting on with my new life. Instead all I can see before me are long days of pain, breathlessness and restriction and equally long sleep deprived nights. Sometime, no matter how positive you are, it does get you down.

I was talking to one of my supervisors this week and she was asking me how I was coping and I admitted that I was starting to say 'if' instead of 'when' I have the transplant. She was lovely and said I was a very strong person and would get there. 'After all look what you've been through so far.' It's a very nice thing to say but more often than not I feel as though I am the weakest person I know. After all my body lets me down at least once every day.

Of course weakness of body and weakness of mind are two entirely different things. I know I have a weak body at the moment but I know I have a strong mind but that can be more of a curse than a blessing. The trouble with having a strong mind and a positive outlook is sometimes people forget that inside you are just a frightened little girl in a lot of pain. I am constantly being told how much I'm admired for how I 'just get on with it' when really all I need is a hug and someone to tell me everything is going to be OK.

Today's blog title is a quote from Elizabeth the first because she was also frustrated by the limitations of her body. Even though those limitations were merely perceived simply because she was a woman.

Right enough of feeling sorry for myself.

The big Roberts clear out is progressing at pace and I have found a whole stack of vinyl albums in the back of a cupboard that I'd forgotten I had. And when I say stack I'm talking about 120 albums. No wonder I have no room for my clothing.

Among them I found my much treasured 'Goodbye Yellow Brick Road' in yellow vinyl. I remember I specifically wanted the yellow pressing as I was into vivid colours at the time. Sadly, unless I invest in a new turntable, unlikely, I'll never hear the actual records again but I do have it all on CD. I also found some Jefferson Starship, early Genesis and lots of ELO and David Bowie. I haven't gone through them all yet but I expect there will be some surprises. My taste in music when I was younger was a little bit all over the place.

Tonight I will be sitting on the settee, crisps in one hand, a cheeky little glass of cider in the other to cheer Wales on in their latest Six Nations match. I'm not expecting great things if I'm honest but you never know. Last time out might have just been the wake up call they needed. As with everything else in life one can but hope.