Wednesday, 20 March 2013

A Storm In A Tea Cup

The new system is in at work and after a very stressful couple of days I think I'm beginning to get the hang of it. It still throws me the occasional curved ball and at least once I didn't know whether to laugh or cry I was that close to hysteria. However something very strange happened this afternoon. As I was sitting at my desk the noise around me faded and I became warm and drowsy and then this little voice came out of nowhere saying 'why on earth are you stressing about this?' 'Why does it matter?' Remember nothing matters now except you and staying as well as you can.'

Now I may have dropped off for a moment, that is quite possible as I'm totally exhausted and ended up going to bed at half past eight last night, but, whatever the cause, my attitude change immediately and I became much more relaxed about everything. So what if I make mistakes, I've only been doing it for two days and I will keep making mistakes as I continue to learn. At the end of the day it's just work and it seems I'm finally accepting the change in my life priorities.

Another reason for  being a little excitable this week is that I'm picking up my new car on Friday.

I felt a little sad driving home today as I know tomorrow will be the last time I take my current car on that journey. From next week my new car will take over while Peter works on my current one to get it ready for sale. I know it has to go, it is too big, too expensive to run and now the kids are grown and left home we just don't need a 'family' car anymore but it is going to be a wrench, especially while I'm getting used to the Mito.

My cold is still hanging around and some days are better than others. Although I don't feel that bad there have been times when I've looked quite 'blue'. I'm sure my cold is also responsible for the exhaustion I'm feeling, it can't all be down to work, so I'm keeping a close eye on myself. In a normal week I might have taken a couple of days off but I just couldn't this week and I actually feel quite proud of myself that I've made it in each morning. Next week if I'm still feeling 'off' I'll be kinder to myself and take some time out.

It is a sobering thought that I've been on the list for three whole months tomorrow.

It is easier than I thought it would be. I no longer expect an early call and am beginning to settle in for a longer haul. I'm also sleeping better as I no longer have one ear out for the phone at night. Recent rogue calls have assured me that the ring tone is loud enough to get me out of the deepest of slumbers. And I no longer jump quite so much when we do get unexpected calls at unusual times. I'm sure I'll eventually become completely relaxed to the point of forgetting about it most of the time. The trouble is I don't want to get to that stage, sometimes I feel like throwing a toddler tantrum and stamping my feet while shouting 'I want it now!' However I know that wouldn't get me anywhere so what would be the point. At the end of the day it will happen when it is good and ready and I bet you any money when it does I'll stamp my feet and say I don't want it. After the op is what I'm looking forward too, not the op itself so I'm expecting second thoughts right up until the put me out.

Well time to collapse onto the settee and chill out for the evening. Hopefully my dreams will be full of Mito's tonight and not computer screens as they were last night. Next blog Friday.