Sunday, 3 February 2013

Living On Borrowed Time

I'm having a really down day so please bear with me.

Well I 'd like to start this blog by saying I feel better but unfortunately it is not the case. I felt so rough last night I dived into my emergency antibiotic supply. Fortunately I had a good night's sleep and I did wake feeling better until I started moving around. I have say my breathing is slightly better but I still feel 'under the weather'. Will I make it to work tomorrow, I genuinely do not know at this point, but if I haven't improved by this evening I think I'm going to have to give it a miss and take myself off the the doctor Monday morning.

I can't say I'm surprised I've picked something else up, there are still a lot of nasty things circulating and a lot more people to catch them off. No matter how careful I am about cleaning my desk and chair every morning or constantly washing my hands with antibac gel I can't filter the bugs out of the air I breathe. I must admit the thought of being ill again is depressing and frustrating but I have to be grateful that I'm still here, a lot of my PH friends are not anymore. And I am painfully aware that my time is fast running out.

When originally diagnosed back in 2007 my PH was so advanced, having been poo-pooed by my local hospital as Asthma, I was told my prognoses was very poor and I had two maybe three years. I made it to my prognoses and passed it with flying colours but this of course means I am now very much on borrowed time. Every illness, every small cough or serious infection shortens my life. Maybe not by much but when you are in my position every minute is precious. One day one of these infections will kill me. This is not me being melodramatic, this is a fact, that is if my heart doesn't give in under the strain of PH first. So each infection is a threat and should be taken seriously. Now those of you who have known me since diagnoses or who read my blog regularly know I've been rather cavalier about such things in the past and have berated me roundly for it. Rest assured this is not going to be the case this time. For one thing I just do not have the energy to try and brush things off anymore. I'm tired of fighting. Every day is such a struggle and I just can't do it anymore, I just can't. What is the point of being relentlessly cheerful and optimistic when all you are doing is fooling yourself that it will be OK in the end. The reality is that for thousands of people it isn't OK in the end and they die so why should I think it will be any different for me?

So it is another day in front of the TV watching complete crap and wishing I was anyone but me. Sorry if this blog has upset you but sometimes I just have to get things off my chest and tell it as it is.