Calm Again!

The storm has passed. Andrew returned from school yesterday afternoon and was much happier. We had a bit of a chat and cleared the air. Phew! So glad! He has got back to the company and told them that he wants to complete his A levels but if they have anything going in the summer to keep him in mind. A sensible compromise that doesn't close off any other options he might have. I don't know what made him come around, maybe he just needed time to think, I don't know and don't really care as long as we are OK. I think we will both handle things differently next time, hopefully there won't be a next time.

Had the results of my warfarin test back and am delighted to say they don't want to see me again until March, that's eight weeks. I've never had such a long gap between tests before and I'm delighted that I've become so stable. Of course it means not seeing my old ladies for all that time, which I will miss, but if it's a choice between seeing them and having a needle stuck in my arm, well you know which one I'm going to choose.

Today I took a step back from the frenetic activity of yesterday. I spent time catching up on paperwork and I actually ordered my car tax disk early for once. I went out for a potter around the garden, checking everything was still OK following last week's gales and then replaced the fat balls and refilled the bird feeders. Although I have two cats they are rather elderly gentlemen and prefer to spend their days stretched out on the furniture as opposed to catching things. The birds in my garden are relatively safe and I get a great deal of pleasure watching them from the dining room on cold frosty days. I keep meaning to set up a camera and a long lens to try and catch some of the action, I really must get on and do it. When I first went out into the garden there was silence, then I hung up a feeder and heard a chirrup somewhere behind me, by the time I went back inside the noise was amazing. How do they know? Do they have look outs in all the gardens? Obviously the grapevine is in full working order as my garden is now full of visitors whereas before there were none.

Andrew is off on a two hour driving lesson after school today. He is really enjoying them and seems to be doing quite well. His test has been booked for 28th February and he and his instructor are both pretty confident he'll be ready. Me and my bank account hope this is the case.

There is a government more stupid than the English one. Step forward the Welsh, who are not only prepared to pay to have breast implants removed but will cover the cost of replacement too. I am lost for words on this one.

The new high speed rail link between London and Birmingham has been approved much to the dismay of pretty much everyone who pays taxes. The environmental protesters who are generally better organised and prepared for these events than the government are already swinging into action and who can blame them. Wouldn't the money be better used getting the railway we already have working properly? There isn't one commuter who wouldn't like to see a few more carriages at rush hour so he at least has a shot of getting the seat he's paid thousands for. The project is due to be completed in 2026 but we all know that is not going to happen. There are going to be years of enquiries, consultations and judicial reviews before they even start and if someone can find a Great Crested Newt somewhere along the route that will be that. If they are lucky they might be able to start the build in 2026 by which time they may not be able to even afford it. If it does get built who on earth is going to use it? Certainly not the ordinary traveler that's for sure as I suspect ticket prices will run into the hundreds. It won't take long for the public to realise it is actually cheaper by road, and more convenient, and we will be left with yet another white elephant.

Tomorrow it is the joys of Costco and the ironing, I do lead such an exciting life.

Oh No, I've Said Too Much

An early night followed by a lie in and I'm feeling so much better already. Had a long bath bomb soak and the transformation from knackered zombie to bouncy human being is almost complete, I say almost because I don't bounce anymore, well not physically but inside I'm jumping around like a two year old. I felt so good that by ten I'd loaded the dishwasher, done my white wash and mopped all the hard flooring. Then it was a quick change and off to the Lethal and Deadly for my warfarin test.

As from Jan 1st the clinics have swapped from afternoons to mornings and we all have been allocated an hour slot in which to turn up, mine is between ten and eleven on Tuesdays. I had two worries, one would be that I'd been given a different time slot from my old ladies and that being the morning, parking would be even more difficult. As it turned out my fears about parking were spot on and I had to walk into the hospital leaving Peter to find a parking space in a side street as on site parking was manic. Fortunately my old ladies were still with me though I sensed an atmosphere. Grace was not amongst them this morning, I do hope she hasn't been changed, but most of the others were and I feel there has been some sort of falling out. They were all sitting as far away from each other as possible and shooting malevolent looks across the gaps. One kept banging the floor with her walking stick as though she wanted to hit someone. I decided to sit away from them and watch and try and figure out what was going on. Unfortunately my time of observation was cut short as besides me and the gang there were only five people waiting so I hardly had time to open my book when my name was called and I was done. I wonder what that was all about. Maybe Grace is the one that keeps them all together and when she isn't around they revert to hating each other. I rather hope my next appointment is sooner rather than later now so I can see what happens next.

Next stop was Tesco's and to counter the over indulgence and masses of chocolate, cheese and pastry we've consumed the last three weeks I headed straight to the fruit and veg and stocked up on loads of healthy stuff. I have a bit of a dilemma, the stuffing has had a positive effect and I've finally put a bit of weight back on, five pounds to be exact, the most I've put on in almost six months. So now I've got to work out how to return to my normal diet without losing the weight I've gained and while trying to put on more. I guess I'm just going to have to sprinkle some chocolate bars amongst the apple and tangerines and hope for the best. At a time when everyone is desperately trying to lose weight I feel quite guilty about being thrilled at putting it on. People do not tend to see weight loss as a bad thing but it can cause as many problems as being over weight, especially when you are trying to get into the best condition you can before a major op like transplant. To much weight and it makes the op difficult for the team working on you, too little weight and you haven't got enough reserves to fall back on for recovery. Hopefully my reserves are now building up again and I'm giving myself the best chance I can.

This afternoon it has been feet up with a nice cuppa and a DVD. I maybe feeling better but I know when to slow down and this was one of those times. I dozed for a time and then read the paper before Andrew came home in his newly formed cloud of gloom.

We had an blazing row last night, it was my fault I really shouldn't have flown off the handle but when I explain you'll see why.

Andrew has started to panic about his A levels, he's been turned down for two of the four courses he applied for and has become despondent. He has started to believe he will not get into university now and has gone rushing off to find something else. He found this website offering an apprenticeship in a laboratory in Northampton, which was fine except they expected him to start at the end of the month right in the middle of his first round of exams. He jumped at the offer and was ready to give up all he'd worked so hard for these last two years. I saw red, he's always said that he'd hate working in some routine, dead end job and yet here he was rushing head long into one. I could instantly see him regretting his choice in a very short time and a future of having to do things the hard way if he ever wanted other qualifications. So for the first time in years I screamed at him and told him it just wasn't going to happen, he screamed back saying he was an adult and could do what he wanted. He's right of course, which made me even angrier. To cut a long story short we ended up the day not speaking and are still not speaking. I just want to sit down with him and explain that he could go so much further if he got his A levels, and that he could still get a university place through clearing, and that he still could get an offer but he's not willing to listen to anything I have to say at the moment. It breaks my heart as we are normally really close and we've never badly fallen out before. I'm just hoping that when he calms down he'll see that I meant well even if I went about it in totally the wrong way.

If you have kids then sometimes you just can't do right for doing wrong. I hope we can return to our old relationships but I fear this might take some time to repair.

Ice, Ice, Baby

OMG! I didn't know it was possible to be so tired and yet still be awake. This is my second week at my new increased hours and I'm beginning to struggle. I'm going to have to take this a lot slower than I imagined I would but I'll get there eventually. It is so frustrating and sometimes I hate the limitations this stupid condition imposes on me. I still cannot get my mind to accept that I'm ill and try to carry on just like everyone else and then my body goes and lets me down because I've pushed it too hard, again. Part of the problem is that I'm beginning to feel pressure from work. They try desperately hard to give me space and let me go at my own pace but I'm not blind, deaf or stupid. I know that we are so short staffed that we are working on the edge at the moment. We are so stretched that if any one of us goes sick we are in trouble. I know that I'm adding to the strain by only working part time so I'm really feeling the urgency to get back to my full time hours. I try to reason with myself that they would probably much prefer me to be there part of the time than over do it and not be there at all but the pressure is still there. I'm going to have to try and strike a balance between being honest with myself while doing the best I can at work, it's going to be tough.

What the hell have they done to Dancing On Ice? I was so disappointed with last night's show that I really don't know if I will be bothered to watch the rest of the series. First the presenters; who on earth thought it would be a good idea to drop lovely, soft, curvy Holly Willoughby and replace her with hard, angular, screechy Christine Blakeley? For the majority of the time she stared out of my TV screen like some crazed goblin, scary and unpleasant. Then we have the judges, say what you will about Jason Gardner but he did make the show interesting. OK, I agree, last year he took it far too far but the show is poorer without him. The three judges they have now seem incapable of saying anything other than comforting platitudes and were dull, dull, dull. And as for the contestants, well I can honestly say that I can count the ones I've heard of on the fingers of one hand and, with the possible exception of Laila Morse, am not interested in any of them. So all in all a wash out from my perspective, and I've heard several people complaining about the changes too. Why is it that as soon as they have a nice comfy, dependable, reliable format they get this manic urge to fiddle and ruin it all.

In the news we have a celebrity chef caught stealing cheap cheese and wine from Tesco's. He has apologised and says he will be getting 'treatment'. Treatment! So shop lifting is an illness now is it? Give me strength.

The NHS has said it will replace faulty implants for those women whose private clinic refuse to do so. Excellent, so having heard all that naturally the private clinics are going to refuse amd so save themselves the cost. The NHS have put in some qualifiers though in an effort to stop themselves being swamped, women will have to have a genuine reason for wanting to have the bags removed. Guess what one of the qualifiers is? Being anxious. If a woman rocks up to the NHS and claims to be anxious about her implants then the NHS will whip them out no other questions asked. And the cost to the NHS, an estimated £150 million pounds. Just think what the NHS could do with that money to help those ill through no fault of their own.

Off to warfarin clinic tomorrow to catch up with my elderly ladies and get an new bruise. Joy!

'Cause When You're A Celebrity It's Adios Reality

They are still debating whether the stupid, vain women who stuffed bags of plastic into their bodies should get them removed on the NHS. NO! NO! NO! I am so angry about this, it shouldn't even be under discussion.

Back at work and I must say the day went rather well all in all. I felt much more livelier coming home than I did last week but I must remember this is only day one out of four. Had to do some training, so bored, talk about teaching your grandmother to suck eggs. For goodness sake! I have a degree, I taught IT for over ten years and can find my way around a computer screen thank you very much. What a pointless waste of time, next time just give me the manual and an hour to go through it, job done.

It was an early start to the day and I was on the road just after seven this morning but didn't get to see any wildlife this time around. Tomorrow and Sunday I'm on lates so will have to battle my way through traffic and travel home in the dark, something I really hate doing. Having said all that I quite enjoy flexible hours, as they say variety is the spice of life, it's just not so good when it is cold, wet and dark.

Watched the start of Celebrity Big Brother last night in the vain hope they might have someone interesting on. It seems drug crazed sex pest rejects from X Factor are now classed as 'celebrities', well that's me turning off for the duration. Out of all the people they could have chosen from X Factor why him? Out of all the contestants he was the most trouble, ohps, I appear to have answered my own question. Seems all you need to be a celeb these days is an attitude; skill, talent and decency just don't cut it anymore, sad times.

My drug delivery arrived and as usual what arrived is nothing remotely like the order I put in. Typically the things I am really short of have been replaced with the bare minimum. I have enough for the month but no spares to cover faulty items or those accidentally contaminated, if I drop them for example. The things I categorically said I did not need more of have arrived in vast quantities. Why can't they get it right? Is it really so hard? I must admit I did have reservations about placing an order the Friday before Christmas but I had little choice. Obviously 'Emma' was either suffering from too much Christmas cheer or just didn't bother listening to me. Another complaint will be heading their way. I'm hoping that if I complain enough they will eventually take notice, OK it is a long shot but it can't go on like this, it is really beginning to stress me out. At least they didn't actually forget anything this time, so I suppose there has been a small improvement.

 The killers of Stephen Lawrence could have their sentences increased to twenty years, now that's more like it.

In the news it appears Mount Etna has erupted again. I love watching volcanoes in action. There is something very beautiful about them. Fortunately this appears to be quite a small eruption and no one is expecting any disruption to travel so everyone can sit back and enjoy the spectacle without having to worry about disaster planning. Of course the global warming devotees and other weirdos are taking the eruption as a sign. For the climate change lot it is a sign that global warming is getting out of hand. I'm sorry but volcanoes have been erupting on this earth long before man appeared and will continue to do so long after the human race ends. Volcanoes are also one of the biggest causes of so called 'greenhouse gases' on the planet, well apart from cows, but nobody talks about getting rid of them do they? It has been calculated that the mass of particulates alone ejected, during the St Helen's eruption, in just one hour had approximately five times the mass of all the oil that man has ever been pumped from the ground. So maybe the cars are not just to blame. As for the weirdos well apparently the Celts have taken the more frequent eruptions as a sign that the world is rushing towards ending in 2013. Celts, that includes the Welsh, of which I am one. Makes me ashamed to admit it at times. However the Mayans might still get in first as according to them the earth will end in December 2012. You just couldn't make it up.

Suicide Is Painless

A new year and a new look for my blog. Hope everyone likes the change.

My goodness what a night. At one point I thought the roof was going to come off but thankfully we escaped unscathed from one of the stormiest nights I remember in years. I didn't get much sleep though so am really tired today. A quick tour of the garden showed it had also escaped intact, the fences are still up and holding firm and the garden furniture is still in place including the covers. In fact the only damage appears to be to the silver birch which has lost a couple of smaller branches from near the very top. Looking at the pictures on the news I think we were very lucky.

Went out to Costco this afternoon and was pleasantly surprised to find it practically empty. We zoomed around in double quick time only stopping to enjoy a free sample of the most delicious chicken korma. I love shopping when it is empty, you can really take your time and browse. They had a huge display of jars of nuts, no doubt unsold from Christmas and I would have been tempted if it were not for the price. I'd rather buy them loose and shell them myself than pay what they were asking for them. We were rather amused when we got to the tills to see a man in front of us with a trolley stacked high with baked beans. He must have all but cleared them out. We concluded that he must run a cafe and his menu is mostly bean based.

In the news the powers that be are debating whether it would be ethical to allow a terminally ill person to have medical assistance to end their own life. As someone who is terminally ill I must say it is about time this subject was discussed in this country. The British tend to treat their animals better than they do human beings. A dog or cat with cancer and in terrible pain will be put down out of kindness because that is what is best for the animal. However a human in the same situation has to suffer and die slowly and painfully because the first rule of medicine is to preserve life come what may.  I genuinely believe that there is a point where the fight to safe a life crosses the boundary between care and cruelty and medics should recognise this change and stop trying to preserve something that is beyond long term preservation.  Let me say right now that I don't think I could ever end my life, this is because I'm a natural optimist who always believes tomorrow will be better. I'm also fortunate that my illness isn't a particularly painful one, it is not without pain but it is nothing like the pain suffered by those with cancer. If I were in constant pain and I knew it was only going to get worse then maybe I would consider it, who knows.

This debate is going to stir up some pretty strong views on both sides of the fence and I can see it raging for months or maybe even years before a decision is made. Ultimately I think that decision will be to reject the idea because the argument will be that despite any safeguards put into protect the patient from malicious relatives, someone will get around the system and suddenly we'll have a murder on our hands. The only way to do it would be to have a system so regulated that only a very, very few will ever qualify for the scheme. The other problem with extensive safeguarding is that it could take so long for the decision to be made that the patient is no longer able to carry out the act themselves or, in the worst cases, have died while waiting. So far the safeguards proposed are as follows:-
Two doctors will have to agree independently on the course of action
The patient would have to have less than a year to live.
The patient would have to be of sound mind.
The patient must be capable of administering the medication themselves.
The patient must be over eighteen.
The patient is not under any 'undue influence'.
All these safeguards seem sensible but in practice either go too far or not far enough depending on your point of view. And how is anyone ever going to be able to prove that they are not being 'unduly influenced'? It is going to be interesting seeing how this all pans out.

Also in the news the Stephen Lawrence case rumbles on with some interesting new developments. Within hours of Dobson and Norris being sentenced new evidence had been passed to the police regarding the involvement of others yet despite this and the judge urging the police to find the other culprits the investigating team is being disbanded, how odd, and how insensitive. Surely they have duty to at least look at the new evidence? In the meantime following a complain from a member of the public the attorney general is now looking at the sentences handed down with a view to possibly increasing them. It must have been some complaint.

Back to work tomorrow, I'm on weekend shifts until the end of the month. I don't actually mind working weekends as it means I get to go shopping during the week when the shops are quieter. It also means I don't usually have to take time off to attend my medical appointments as they fall on my days off. A win, win situation.

Drug delivery day tomorrow, can't wait to see what they've left out this time.

Justice?

I missed my warfarin clinic. I got confused about the day and convinced myself that yesterday was Monday. I got a mild rebuke in the post this morning and a new appointment for next Tuesday which I have written on my calender so it will be another week before I find out how my old ladies faired over the holidays.

Having said all that I might well have thought twice about going even if I had remembered as the weather was terrible. High winds and torrential rain did not make for a good combination. As the car park is quite a way from the clinic and like most PHers I have trouble breathing in windy weather, getting there in one piece was not going to be easy. I wouldn't be able to run to get out of the rain so would have got soaked. I am not physically very strong so could easily be blown over which on warfain would have meant a trip to casualty to check for internal bleeding. And finally the wind would have literally taken my breath away. These are things I'd never imagined when first diagnosed. You never realise how much being ill effects day to day living unless you are there. One of my guilty pleasures when I was younger was taking a walk along the prom in stormy weather and dodging the waves crashing over the railings. Wouldn't be able to do it now, it would be far to dangerous, another part of my life wrecked.

Still maybe not forever and maybe not for that long. I have an appointment at Harefield on the 27th Jan to meet the transplant team for a review of my case and for a full day of testing to see how bad my lungs are now. Well obviously they have not got any better because I'm attached to a machine. My heart however is fit and strong and that was a major concern when I was first referred. I am very hopeful of a positive outcome to the meeting and that my place on the transplant list is secured.

Well the last two days has been a busy time for news.

The breast implant panic rumbles on and now the suggestion has been made that the implants be removed on the NHS. Excuse me! No! I have no problem with those women unfortunate enough to need re-constructive surgery having the implants replaced on the NHS as their needs are genuine. And of course the NHS chose which implant to use so they should be responsible. If however you have had them put in to boost 'confidence' or for pure vanity then you chose them, they are your responsibility, you pay to have them removed. I deeply resent an already cash strapped NHS having to foot the bill for these silly women when cancer patients are having drugs refused because of cost. It's all about priorities and vanity shouldn't even register on the list.

The second big piece of news is the conviction of David Norris and Gary Dobson for the murder of Stephen Lawrence.I don't really have a lot to say on this as I, like most British people, have talked about this case on and off for the past eighteen years. I am pleased for the Lawrence's who ultimately lost more than just a son. I'd be even more pleased if all five had been convicted but beggars can't be choosers. Apparently the only hope of getting the other three to court is if one of the two convicted speaks about their involvement. If they haven't said anything in the last eighteen years it is unlikely they will say anything now so I think that might be a lost cause. Partial justice is better than no justice but only full justice will give the Lawrence's peace and bring the whole horrible business to an end. The sentence came in late this morning and each will be in prison for the minimum of fourteen years.

Andrew went back to school today, for one lesson. Yes Wednesday is his lightest day so he won't be gone long. He seems pleased to be back though, I think he was getting bored just revising all day. I suspect he'll be showing off his new notebook to his mates and catching up on all the gossip.

Went out to Tesco's this afternoon and was depressed at how grey the world seems. I dislike the hiatus between Christmas and spring. January and February are desolate months that seem to have had every shred of colour washed out of them. Role on March and hopefully a long hot and colourful summer.

Down To Earth With A Bump

Well it's been a good New Year. Laurence arrived in time for tea on New Year's eve and later went out to catch up with some friends he hasn't seen since he moved. He rolled in at two in the morning then slept late. It was as if he'd never left. New Year's day lunch was very special, beef with all the trimmings, wine and a good old catch up. We sat down at twelve thirty and didn't finish until two. Then we exchanged presents, enjoyed a coffee or two and then it was time for Laurence to leave. I wish he could have stayed longer but he had to be up early for work today and had some stuff to do beforehand.

Andrew also went out on New Year's even but didn't stay very long as he had to be up early on New Year's day for his paper round. He didn't really mind though as he'd already been out the night before and had a really good time. He hasn't revised for the last two days, which I think is a good thing as everyone needs a break but will be back on the books this afternoon. He is back at school on Wednesday and cannot believe how quickly the break has gone. I must admit I can't quite believe it either. I think the fact that I work up to Christmas day and then between Christmas and the New Year has made it a little less special for me this year, still enjoyed it though.

Changed my dressing today, I now change it every third day unless it gets wet, and was slightly alarmed to find I'd been bleeding. This hasn't happened for a long time and I'm at a loss as to why this has started again now. I don't remember pulling it but even if I did the way I loop the line is designed to stop any accidental pulls affecting the line site. It might be just one of those things or it could be heralding the start of an infection. I cleaned it thoroughly and carefully and am now hoping for the best. I won't disturb it again tomorrow but will check it on Wednesday and if it is looking suspicious I'll be off to my GP, again. I've had trouble with the line site from the beginning. It took a long time for it to heal and has continued to look angry around the site, though numerous swabs have not shown any infection. My specialist team thinks it is just my body trying to get rid of the line, similar to rejection in transplants and will settle down eventually. They also said it showed that my immune system was working really well. Excuse me? If my immune system was working that well I wouldn't be getting all these bloody chest infections would I.

There were no big natural disasters this year, thank goodness though both Japan and New Zealand had minor earthquakes, most likely after shocks from the more serious events in early 2011. However there have been an alarming amount of killings during the festive season. One news source counted eleven since Christmas eve and today I wake up to hear of another four people have died in a shooting believed to have taken place on New Year's eve. It seems the season of goodwill to all men no longer exists. What a sad reflection on what Britain has become. We are getting more like America every day and not even the good part of America. No, we've by passed the work ethic they have and gone straight for the gangster culture. Sometimes I think if I were fit and had the money I'd just leave. The trouble is where would I go, the rest of the world seems to be just as bad these days.

Today is housework day, I have piles of washing and ironing to do. Tomorrow it is off to the warfain clinic where I firmly hope they will give me another six weeks grace before my next test. Then in two weeks I'm off to the Brompton to have my tests repeated, just to make sure the good results I got before Christmas wasn't a blip and then in three weeks its the long awaited trip to Harefield for my transplant review. It is going to be a busy start to 2012.