Hold Me Back

Last rest day and then back to work tomorrow, doesn't time fly when you are having fun.

I'm on my own today so have been misbehaving and have vacuumed and mopped the floors, done the ironing and cleaned the bathroom and kitchen. This afternoon will be spent on the settee watching TV and not feeling one iota of guilt. My problem is that when I'm feeling really well, as I am at the moment, I take the opportunity to do everything I can't do normally. I know it is naughty and I'd probably stay well longer if I didn't but I can't help myself. I can't just sit and look at the pile of dishes in the sink or the muddy paw prints in the hall. I know this feeling isn't going to last for long, next week I could well be suffering from a cold or worse so I do what I can when I can.

Actually it won't be all afternoon. We are both at work all day tomorrow and are expected home within half an hour of each other so I'm going to be chopping veggies for the slow cooker so we can have a nice warming stew for tea. I've had my slow cooker since my grandmother gave it to me when I got married and I've barely used it so I've decided this winter things will change and I'm going to cook lots of yummy things in it. It will be nice to come home from a hell of a day and have something warm and comforting without having to do anything more than stir and serve. It might help with me gain a bit of weight too.

World war three has erupted on the PH forum again. It amazes me how one small innocuous comment can spark a row that includes name calling and personal insults. Especially on a forum which is supposed to be supportive. I will just read and not comment, it is just not worth the aggravation. I am sad to see that the same names are cropping up, again. It seems there are still people who despite telling everyone we are all different all the time still believe that their's are the only opinions that count.

My search for car insurance goes on and I am fuming!

My current insurer sent me a quote for renewal of £306. Out of curiosity I went onto their website and put in exactly the same details they had listed on the renewal and got a quote of £256, how does that work? Needless to say they are going to get a call asking them to explain themselves. The earlier quotes of £170 that I'd got on a comparison site, on closer inspection, don't hold up. They exclude things like legal cover and courtesy car both of which are included on my current policy. Once I've added those things in, I mean in this day and age would you really risk not having legal cover, the quote is nearer the £250 - £280 mark. Insurance companies are so bloody sneaky, I absolutely hate having to do this every year I really do.

I fear I might have to embrace technology soon. I have seen and fallen for a phone, unfortunately it is a touch screen, something I have never got on with. Having played with Peter's phone I have long since decided that touch screens are the devil's work. I spend ages tapping, stroking and jabbing at it and it does nothing. I breath on it and it deletes several unread texts and connects itself to to the Internet and refuses to be unconnected. It took Peter almost half an hour to undo the damage I'd caused.

Now this phone is calling to me, it is absolutely determined to be mine. It tempts me with promises of unlimited texts, 1GB of free downloads and more air time than I'd ever use and all for £12.50 a month. How can I resist? I don't know but I'm going to give it a bloody good try because I know that if I bought it I'd be close to a nervous breakdown within half a day.

Well got to go and get some lunch and then settle down with the Vicar of Dibley, box set of course. Well they say laughter is the best medicine.

Next blog Sunday

Hope Springs Eternal

Thank you everyone for all the kind comments following yesterday's blog. Good news is multiplied when shared.

Well after all the excitement and fear of Monday I finally got a really good night's sleep. I was up early though and decided to tackle the weekly shop first thing so I could relax for the rest of the day. Still buoyed by my good news and feeling really well I forsook my trike and went on foot. I didn't appear to suffer any ill effects though I put my oxygen on and will be taking is easy this afternoon. I maybe well now but I need to stay that way and build myself up for the assessment. I'm still so excited, I'm hopping around like a giddy school girl and try as I might the cautionary me just can't reign myself in. It is definitely a truism that you don't know how important something is to you until you are told you cannot have it.

Before being turned down by Harefield I'd scared myself silly thinking I might die during the operation and if I didn't how much pain there is going to be during and after. I'd all but convinced myself that I was better off as I am. Then when they turned me down my whole world fell in and all I could see was a long, drawn out, painful death and the knowledge that I was never going to feel any better than I do now was almost too much to bare. Now there is hope, OK, still a slim hope but I am an optimist at heart and tend to believe things will get better  eventually. So I'm going to enjoy this feeling while is lasts. Plenty of time to feel miserable if the worst does happen.

My arm where I had my flu jab is still red though the swelling and itching have now gone. I'm due a pneumonia jab next week, I just hope they don't stick it in the same arm.

The Saville row continues and now there are claims that the abuse had gone on for fifty years. Fifty years! And during all that time no one say anything! I for one find that so hard to believe, what did this man have over everyone? Surely no one is THAT powerful? His much vaunted triple headstone has been taken down, broken up and sent to landfill while roads are being renamed and charities are busy trying to dissociate themselves from his name. Isn't this all be bit premature? What happened to innocent until proven guilty? OK so there are a lot of rumours and claims and new claims are coming to light everyday but at this stage all they are are rumours and claims. While some may well be true some might just be jumping on the band waggon to see what they might get out of it. After all Saville isn't going to be able to prove their claims right or wrong is he. I have to say I find the whole thing very worrying and distasteful. I am glad the police are launching an investigation but I do hope they investigate each claim very, very carefully. Yes they will have to be sensitive but they must keep in mind that some might just be making these claims to get themselves noticed.

Sadly hope for April has all but gone and although the police have vowed to keep on searching they can't possibly justify the level of manpower for very much longer. I notice that the news reports on progress are fewer and her story has been knocked off the front pages of the news papers and no longer dominates news bulletins. It is very sad that April's fate is no longer as important as what an idiot of a politician may have said at a conference but unfortunately the world marches on and soon enough there will be another horror story to grab the nations attention. I hope she is found for her parents sake but if they are hoping that Mark Bridger will ever reveal where she is they are in for a long wait. Either he is protecting someone or he mistakenly believes no body means no conviction.

Well it's that time of year again when I try not to get myself ripped off by the car insurance people. The renewal notice quoted by my current insurer is almost £150 more than most of the quotes I've brought up on a comparison sight. It annoys me that I have to go through this every year because insurance companies are just not interested in loyalty and therefore make no effort to keep customers. I have a 15 year no claims discount so you'd have though they'd want to snap me up wouldn't you but no sadly that is not the case. Oh well better get on with my afternoon of looking for the best deal.

Maybe Baby

Well the trip to Papworth was a lot better than I though it would be. They all seem really, really nice and were very sympathetic to what I'd been through with Harefield.

After lots of talking and a mini consult between registrar, consultant and surgeon I was lead into a room and told that they were happy to move onto the next stage which is the full assessment. There are some issues with doing just a lung transplant as my plumbing isn't quite normal but it is not impossible. So the plan is to assess me for both lung and heart/lung with a view to putting me on the list for one or the other or both. I am pencilled in for the assessment on 26th November but they are trying to find me an earlier slot as they think I've been messed about enough this year. They have promised they will not let me leave the hospital after the assessment without knowing the result and if that means keeping me in an extra day to repeat a test or do an extra one then that's what they will do. I am glad about this as it means I can ask questions and really understand why a decision has been made, something I didn't get to do with the brief call I got from Harefield.

All in all I'm happy with how things went, I was on top of the world coming out of there as I was convinced they were going to say no there and then. I'm trying very hard to to be excited right now but I can't help myself. Time enough for doubts and worries during the assessment, for now I'm going to enjoy the first real feeling of hope I've had for a long time.

Whilst waiting for my appointment I had the immense pleasure of meeting fellow PH sufferer Kath. We have exchanged comments, views and banter on the PH forums for some time but never met. She is a really lovely lady and has been through a similar journey to myself, especially the problems with the Flolan. Just like me she is unable to increase the dosage she is on now because of nausea. Kath is already on the transplant list and was there for her three monthly check. I was so nervous I couldn't help talking too much and I just hope I didn't bore her silly with my banal chatter.

Back in the real world I'm have a lazy day today, Peter is at work so I've got the house to myself again but no inclination to do anything naughty. Instead I'm going to catch up on some TV and then have a long chat with my mum about yesterday.

In the news I see the X Factor is in trouble again and it is only week one of the live shows. As you know I've only watched about one programme so far this year and completely forgot it was on this weekend so did not see the cause of the row first hand.

From what I understand it has been claimed that Louis was ordered by production staff to go to viewer votes by making it two judges votes all for the two contestants in the sing off.

On the one hand you had Carolynne who by all accounts is a bit of a stunner and can hold a note. On the other you have Rylan who is all flamboyance and emotion but is a bit dodgy when it comes to actually singing. Carolynne got the least viewers votes and was booted off causing her mentor Gary to walk off in disgust and the audience to boo and cat call.

Come on, any X Factor viewer worth their salt should know how it works by now. If you look good and can sing then you may as well pack your bags because despite all outward appearances X Factor is no longer about the singing, that's just too boring. X Factor is primarily about making lots of money for Simon Cowell and beating Strictly Come Dancing in the viewing figures. To succeed on X Factor you must have a heart wrenching back story, throw tantrums, dress oddly and scream in tune, but only just. Rylan ticked all the boxes and was deemed 'great telly', Carolynne just had talent, no contest.

Talking of Strictly I am in seventh heaven that the glitter, false eyelashes and outrageous costumes are back. I absolutely loved the opening shows, there were some surprises and some disappointments and I was totally entranced by it all. I've even recorded it so I can watch it again this afternoon.

The biggest surprise for me, indeed I think for all of us, was Lisa Riley. That girl can move! I also enjoyed Sid Owen, Colin, Kimberley, Jerry Hall and of course Lewis, though I did think the splits and handstand were a bit unnecessary. I can't stand Denise Van Outen so she could dance like an angel and I'd still dislike her. The biggest disappointment and shock was Victoria Pendleton. Nerves took over, the dance went to pieces and she cried her eyes out. Hopefully she will pull herself together and do better next weekend. I'm just glad Craig did get a chance to say anything, I doubt we'd have seen her again if he had.

Ah well the settee and TV remote await, until tomorrow.

Faith, Hope And Charity

I'm off to Papworth in a couple of hours to see whether they think I am suitable for transplant. Fortunately I've been so busy this last week that I've only really had a chance to think about it now. I am swinging between depression as I'm convinced they will say no and excitement as the other half of me is saying they wouldn't be seeing you if there was absolutely no hope. I am trying to remain in neutral but it is very difficult not to believe that this is a good sign. After all they must have seen all the test results from Harefield by now and yet they still want to see me, it's got to be good hasn't it? Have faith Hazel, have faith.

So how have the last few days been? Well busy and a little bit annoying to be honest. I am very proud that I got through my first full day at work for eighteen months but it wasn't exactly a normal day so no real test. I'm doing another full day next week which might just give me a better picture of how I'm coping.

Andrew came back for his birthday and was bubbling with enthusiasm for his course. I knew once the proper lessons started he would be happier and I was right, thank goodness. Despite me being in work all weekend he enjoyed his time at home and loved his present. We gave him a GPS as he will soon be having to negotiate London roads to get to his ambulance station for his placement. Getting lost would not give the right impression. He tested it last night on his way back to college and arrived with no diversions so it must have worked. He will not be coming home next weekend as he is going out with some mates from his course. Although I will be sad not to see him I'm glad he now feels comfortable enough to stay and enjoy himself. Phew!

It is now a week since April went missing and hope of finding her alive is fading. Most of the professional services involved in the search believe from past experience that they are now looking for a body but have not yet scaled down the search. They have stopped the night searches now, which is a clear sign that the urgency has gone out of the situation and they are now going to adopt a more methodical approach.

They are now searching a disused quarry but I personally think she was dumped in the river. The river is swollen and fast flowing so would be a perfect place to get rid of a body. Knowing the coastline along that area if she has got as far as the estuary then there is little hope of her ever being found. The currents around there are very strong and the chances are that she will either wash ashore on one of the beaches in Aberystwyth or Anglesea, that's if she every does wash up. Poor child, I hope against hope that whatever was done to her was done quickly so that she wasn't frightened and didn't suffer very long.

Mark Bridger the man now charged with her abduction and murder has also been charged with perverting the course of justice. Given that the search has been so wide I am willing to bet he has said very little and is refusing to say where she is. You can only wonder what sort of person can be that callous because I can't understand that mind set at all. Apparently he was tearful in court today but you can bet not one of those tears were shed for April.

The row over Jimmy Saville is gathering pace and, although I expressed my doubts about the stories in a recent blog, the number of accounts, not just from women but from those that knew him, makes me realise something definitely did go on.

There are rumours that executives and others in high places said nothing because Saville, if exposed, would stop raising the vast amounts of money for charity that he was most famous for. I'm sorry but that is no excuse. Admittedly that money was needed and some very good things were done with it but it was dirty money. I'm sure the recipients would have rejected it to a man if they'd have known the conditions put upon it being available.

The weight of evidence against Saville is growing by the day but I still cannot understand why, if all these people knew about it, did no one say anything. They say people were scared of him, he was a powerful man and could wreck careers but Michael Jackson was a 'powerful man' but he was dragged through the courts. OK he was aquitted but the suspicions remained and his career and health never recovered.

I can understand the women, because they were just young girls in those days, being worried about being believed but I can't understand or believe that big powerful men were so scared they said nothing.

Jimmy Saville will never face charges, the stripping of his knighthood, the removal of his name from streets and charities will mean absolutely nothing to him now, he is being judged somewhere else, but hopefully those complicit in his crimes will be brought to book. I suspect that once the enquiries start in earnest, his will not be the only big name to be shamed. Some I'm sure will shock and surprise, with a bit of luck all will be punished.

Well got to go and get ready, I want to look my best, first impressions and all that. Wish me luck.

April Showers

Stayed up late last night watching Sky news, hoping against hope that April would be found. Woke up this morning and she is still missing and as I write this I've got a window open waiting for the latest press conference, which has already been delayed once. As much as I hate to say it, it is not looking good.

It has been over twenty four hours now and two nights away from home in appalling weather. If she is outside she has very little chance, few five year olds would survive outside overnight on Welsh mountains. If she is indoors her plight may be better but the man who just might have been giving her food and drink has been in custody for over twelve hours. The fact that despite the arrest April remains missing says to me they have either got the wrong man or he is nasty enough to prolong the parents anguish but refusing to say anything. This leads to other possibilities, maybe he is covering for someone else and is delaying for evidence to be got rid of. Maybe he is in fear of someone and is selfish enough to put himself above the needs of a little girl. The fact that he is reported to know the family does not surprise me at all, it is usually someone the victim knows and trusts in kidnapping cases. It could be that he and April's family have fallen out and this is some sort of twisted revenge. Yes even in sleepy, close knit Welsh villages where 'everyone cares for everyone else' feuds do exist.

There were volunteers in the hundreds yesterday and more have turned up today but have been sent home. This can only mean that the police also fear the worst and are now looking for a body and don't want a friend or relative to find her. Maybe the bloke they arrested has said something to make them think that.

So we wait, and we hope, and continue to watch the updates on press conferences that at the moment remain upbeat but are beginning to show the strain. The policeman giving the press conference this morning looked like he hadn't slept in days, which is probably true. My thoughts are with the officers too as sooner or later one of them will find her.

My back is still in agony, if it doesn't give over by the weekend I'm going to have to see a doctor to make sure I haven't done any further damage. In the meantime I've moved from paracetamol to ibuprofen as it does take the edge off.

Yesterday we went shopping and I whizzed around on my little trike with no troubles at all. We even found room in the boot for the trike and the shopping, so much better than my old wheelchair. One thing I have discovered is that it is not that good when you have a bad back as it jars when you go over bumps and the back support isn't big enough to support all the way down. Maybe that is why the pain is worse today, who knows.

The fall out from my flu jab continues. My rash has gone but I still have a large, red, itchy, sore patch the size of a saucer at the jab site. The aches and shivers have gone though so red, sore and itchy I can live with. At least I know my body is reacting to the thing so it's likely to have taken, sometimes, when I get no reaction at all I do wonder.

I haven't heard from Andrew since his up beat text on Monday so I can only assume he is either too busy or is enjoying himself too much. One thing is for sure he can't be having anymore problems or I'd have heard about them by now. I will be ringing him on Thursday night anyway to confirm arrangements for the weekend, well there is no point in buying a cake if he is spending his birthday elsewhere, so I will find out how his week has been then.

Today I'm hoping that the weather will clear so I can have one last day with my camera before I go back to work tomorrow. At the moment it doesn't look very promising with high winds and thick, dark clouds scudding across the sky. If the rain does come I'll stay in, watch the news, look after my back and pray April will be found alive and well soon.

From tomorrow I'll be back at work which means a six o'clock start but it shouldn't be too onerous as I'm training for the new system this week. Then on Monday it's off to Papworth to see if I have a chance of getting onto the transplant list.

To be honest I haven't really thought about my appointment at all. I think it is because I've had so many other things to think about and at the beginning of September, October seemed such a long, long way off. Now in four days I'll be sitting in a hospital waiting for someone to decide whether I'm worth saving. At Harefield I was anxious, at the moment I can't be bothered about Papworth. Strange as it was so, so important a few weeks ago. Maybe once Monday comes reality will hit, I hope not as I quite like the laid back appraoch I'm taking at the moment.

Next blog Monday.

The Hounding Of The Dead

I had some very positive texts from Andrew yesterday saying how much he was enjoying the lectures. This morning I discover a post on FB also indicating that he'd enjoyed himself.  I cannot tell you what a relief that is, long may it continue.

Is anyone as horrified at the 'scandal' that has blown up around Jimmy Saville?

I'm not talking about what it is he is alleged to have done, though that in itself is shocking, but the fact that all these accusations are flying around when he can no longer defend himself. Let me just say before I go any further that if what is alleged is true then it is awful and I feel really sorry for the girls involved, however why has all this come to light now when he has been dead for months? We only have the word of one side remember, despite other celebrities such as Esther Rantzen crawling out of the woodwork to condemn him claiming to know what was going on. I am particularly surprised at her not doing anything at the time with her background and her Childline. For me the mere fact she remained silent puts the whole thing in doubt. If what is being alleged is true and others knew about it why did no one do anything about it? Doesn't that mean they are guilty too? They say he was protected but why? What made him so special that other would risk their consciouses and possibly their careers, to save him?

Police have confirmed that Jimmy was interviewed but they couldn't find enough evidence to take the case any further, so even back then when it was alleged to actually be happening there was no real proof. That was back in the 1970's and yet thirty years have passed since then and no one came forward even though it is alleged the abuse continued throughout most of his life? Is it just me that finds this all a little bit strange?

And what is the point? What on earth can they hope to gain? If it does turn out to be true what punishment can be given? He cannot be jailed or fined. I read that one girl said she was going to tell but 'lost her nerve'. I'm sorry if that had happened to me I'd have screamed my head off and told the first person I saw afterwards. Fifteen year olds, even back in the 1970's are no shrinking violets so I find it very odd that these girls told no one and have kept quiet for all these years. Of course other celebrities and indeed the BBC are now embroiled in the thing as they are accused of a cover up. In truth we will never know what really went on because Jimmy is not here to answer these accusations. And I for one find this hounding of the dead rather distasteful and will remain skeptical unless concrete evidence is produced.

I am in pain. I had such a restless night, sweating, aching and unable to get comfortable, all of which I've attributed to the flu jab I had yesterday. My arm is red and swollen and I have a slight rash. Sometime during one of these bouts of restlessness I must have turned awkwardly and as a result my back is killing me this morning. I've already soaked it in a hot bath and am now sitting here with a mini hot water bottle at my back. If it doesn't ease by lunchtime I'll have to resort to pain killers.

Yesterday I was left to my own devices again so spent a very lazy afternoon in front of the TV. I go back to work on Thursday so it was one of my last chances to slob out. It has been a lovely break, OK I didn't get to go away in the end but I was able to completely relax and enjoy myself. I've been on shopping sprees, chilled out on the settee, eaten lots, and been out and about with my camera. In short doing all the things I would have done somewhere else but without the comforts of home. We are now planning a definite getaway for spring. By then I will know if I have a chance of transplant. If I do then it will be a nice break from all the waiting. If I don't then it will be time to start doing all the things we promised we would do while I still can.

I still haven't made my mind up about my long term future at work. Over the next few months there is going to be a lot of upheaval whilst new systems are brought in and our shift patterns change.Once everything has settled down and I get a feel for how this effects me then I'll be in a better position to make the decision.

Peter has another cold, apparently his workplace is full of it at the moment so I'm keeping my distance. If it is nice this afternoon we are going for a final fling with the camera's, if not we will do our weekly shop and hope that tomorrow's weather is better. Either way I need to get him out of the house and into the fresh air where I have less chance of catching it and his head will clear, at least for a while.

I woke up this morning to hear that a five year old girl has gone missing from outside her home in Machynlleth, North Wales. This is very sad but I can't help feeling some of the blame must lie with her parents. April was allowed out to play, in the dark without any adult supervision. OK she was with friends but by all accounts most were no older than she was. Who lets a five year old out after dark, essentially on her own? I don't know the area, it is possible it is like my own area which is very quiet and where strangers are easily spotted. It may be that the parents felt it was safe to allow their child out to play. It may be that they felt there was safety in numbers. However how is a five year old, or even ten five year olds going to stop a determined adult up to no good? Children of that age have little observation skills and do not have the physical strength to stop anyone for doing anything. All they can do is run for help and by the time they have blurted out their, no doubt garbled and disjointed story, the deed will have been done and the culprit vanished.

Locals are out in force scouring the area for April and the van but I'm sorry to say that the chances of either still being in the area are very remote. He, as we are presuming it is a he at the moment, could be anywhere in Britain given the time that has elapsed and there is no guarantee April is still with him. I hope she is found safe and unharmed and the culprit caught but as each hour passes this seems less likely. One thing is for sure whatever the outcome her parents will never forgive themselves.

Well time to refill the hot water bottle and grab a cup of tea.

Trouble At Mill

Oh dear there were some problems with my blog yesterday and a few people found that the link on my Facebook page was blocked. After a lot of searching I finally found a way of contacting FB to ask what was going on. I haven't had a reply yet but the fault seems to have cleared up for now. i'm sure someone will tell me if it hasn't.

My first thought was that someone had reported my links for something in them they didn't like so I spent ages trying to work out who I'd upset. Certainly my newest post would not have upset anyone specifically as I don't mention anyone in a bad light so I was at a complete loss. My only conclusion was that someone had not liked my Faith and Morality post for some reason but I don't see how. There are people in the world that don't like me, though most haven't met me, and have devoted their lives to trying to get me kicked off forums or have my messages blocked.Don't ask me why, I've given up trying to work it out and just put it down to one of the risks you take publishing on-line. I have trolls who send me threats and insults on a regular basis because they don't like what I say in my blog sometimes, well always actually. I suppose touching on religion was bound to invite trouble but I don't regret what I posted and it would not surprise me if this is another of their silly little games.

The people who object are not in my situation, they have never, and I pray will never, have to consider the choice between dying slowly or taking a chance on a better life and risk dying quickly during the operation. I defy anyone in my situation to not think about the issues I've highlighted. This blog is not one which skirts around issues. When I started it I vowed that I would not avoid the nastier aspects of being ill and would always be upfront and tell the truth about my situation. I know, because I do read my old blogs from time to time, that sometimes it is uncomfortable reading, sometimes it is very raw and sad, sometimes there is despair but that is me and I'm not changing.

However I've since found out that several links to external sites were blocked yesterday so it seems there might have been a blip with FB. Maybe they were doing some security updates or something. Whatever it was it was bloody irritating and I spent a good couple of hours trying to sort it out.

We escorted Andrew back to his uni last night and it was a good thing we did because he almost took a wrong exit, I think we need to get him a SatNav as soon as possible. He left in a much better frame of mind than when he arrived and I think being at home and talking through his problems has helped enormously. Will he be home next weekend? Probably as it is his birthday but after that I think he might just surprise us.

With nothing to do last night I watched X Factor, well there was nothing else on I really fancied. I wasn't in the mood for something heavy or needing a brain so I went against my instincts. I am so glad I did as it gave me the biggest laugh and a bit of a shock.

The laugh came from 'the youngest contestant on the show', Elle I think her name is who appeared to have arrived in fancy dress. My immediate thought was 'my God, it's Wilma Flintstone!' After that I just couldn't see her as anything else. The hair and make up were perfect and the short off the shoulder dress with fringe at the hem completed the picture. I do hope someone has a word otherwise I will spend every other show I watch in stitches.

The shock came in the form of boy band Union J. Jaymi, or plain old James when I knew him, is one of my ex pupils. It is indeed a small world and I now feel compelled to watch the wretched show to see how he does. Was he a good pupil? Well to be honest I can't remember so he obvious wasn't one of my stars or one of those I dreaded so he probably jogged along not causing me much trouble.

I had my flu jab this morning. I was expecting both flu and pneumonia but they refused to give me both at the same time as they were worried my immune system wouldn't be able to cope. So I've had my flu jab and have an appointment to return for the pneumonia in two weeks.

Andrew has just text to say his first lecture was very interesting. I'm hoping this is a sign that the crisis has now passed.