I'm So Tired, My Mind Is On The Blink

Well I survived my first eight hour shift, just. I am so tired I can barely move, who'd have thought that one extra little hour would make such a big difference? I'm really glad I tried it though, I can do it and now it is just a matter of getting used to it. If I can get through the next three days without a blip I'll be well on my way.

The days are getting longer. Driving into work at seven this morning meant I set off in the dark but arrived as dawn was breaking and coming home at four it was still light almost all the way. I love it when you start noticing the first signs that summer is approaching. The trouble with me is I can't wait and day dream about sitting out in the garden with a good book and a cold glass of Pimms. Each year I am disappointed as the summer never turns out to be as good as you hoped. Maybe this year will be different.

I arrived home to find the dining table covered in books, Andrew has been studying hard all day. I'm glad he isn't giving up and is pushing himself to get as good a mark as possible.

Got our weekly phone call from Laurence, we have been invited up for a meal next Sunday and he's cooking. Something to look forward too, I wonder what we'll have? My bet is pasta.

In the news is the horrific story of a six year old girl who got her ear bitten off by a pit bull. The cowardly owner did a runner but has now handed himself in to police. I was expecting some teenage thug but it turns out to be a fifty six year old who is now under arrest. I don't know what will happen to the dog, it will probably be destroyed which is sad for the owner and the dog. I don't believe any animal is evil but I do believe no animal can be completely trusted, especially around children. Even the most docile mutt can deliver a painful nip if over excited and small children can easily be knocked over by the bigger ones. A dog should be allowed the occasional free run but you have to chose your time and place and that is not a Saturday afternoon when the park is full of children playing.

The man and his dog will both pay for the man's thoughtlessness, unfortunately the dog will probably pay the ultimate price for something that really wasn't its fault, dogs do what dogs do, it is up to the owners to keep them out of trouble. As for the child and her parents, well they will live with the scars both physical and mental for the rest of their lives. The child will probably always be terrified of dogs and the parents will now view every dog as a possible threat. Thankfully surgeons can do wonderful things these days so hopefully her physical scars will eventually fade. As for the wider effects no doubt there will be a rise in reports of dogs running lose as the public go into panic mode. This always happens after a dog attack and I can understand why. However it is curious that dog owners seem to be immune to public feeling and don't get the message about keeping their dogs on a lead even after a highly publicised event like today's.

Lasagna for tea today then a long evening in front of the TV before early to bed. I won't bother looking to see if there is anything good on, chances are I'll end up sleeping through it anyway.

You'll Like This, Not A Lot...

Yesterday's trip to the Brompton went better than expected thought the drive in was a nightmare. Everything was flowing well until we hit Oxford Street and we sat there for a good twenty minutes before slowly inching forward only to find the reason for the delay was road works reducing three lanes to one. Typical!

I was a little late arriving but only by ten minutes or so and as I always have to wait at least thirty minutes before being seen it really made no difference. I need not have worried about getting my meds increased as tests show I am stable on the dose I'm currently on and increasing it wouldn't make any difference at this stage. It was explained that they would rather keep me on as low a dose as possible to avoid side effects and to give them maneuverability to increase the dose should I start to slide downwards again.  Needless to say I was delighted with this decision and the fact that I didn't need to fight them to get what I wanted. We discussed the upcoming visit to Harefield and I was rather surprised to find that my case has also been passed to Papworth and Newcastle as backups. The reason, I'm told, is because my heart is currently in the best shape it can be to withstand the rigors of transplant. No one knows how long this will last and once it slips if I'll ever be in such good shape again so it is a case of striking while the iron is hot. We then discussed a range of new meds that are about to hit the market. The first to come in, sometime next year, is air stable Flolan. Now this may not seem a great leap forward as it will still mean a pump and all that goes with it. However it will cut down the time spent mixing and preparing the drug as you will be able to make up a whole weeks worth in one go and keep it in the fridge. So instead of forty minutes to an hour every night, a couple of hours once a week will be all it takes. The second big innovation is Flolan in tablet form. Trials have been going well though there is some difficulty with side effects, especially nausea. As the drug is delivered directly into the stomach I'm not surprised, however they appear to be getting on top of that now and the drug is expected to be available in two or three years time. At the end of the consultation I was told that I probably wouldn't need either of those things, intriguing, do they already know something I don't? I'm so well that they have decided not to see me again for three months, with the proviso I call them if something changes of course. Three months? I can't remember when I last had such a long break between appointments, it is great news but scary at the same time but at least it is an indication that they are no longer worried about me, well not as much anyway.

And so I look forward to next Friday and Harefield, I do hope it is good news, the doctors at the Brompton have given me renewed hope that things will start to move more quickly than they have done in the past. However, even though they are sister hospitals, they are different and may not agree on time scales. All I can do is wait and keep my fingers crossed.

Andrew got a letter from Herts Uni with his itinary for his interview day. He's going to be given a tour and get a chance to talk to students already on the course. He's trying hard not to show it but he is really excited about it and I'm so pleased for him. I just hope the interview is successful and he gets in because going through clearing can be more stressful than not getting in at all.

A trip out to the shops this afternoon didn't last long. The roads were quiet but the shops were manic and we nearly hit a child in the car park. He decide to bend down to tie his shoelace right behind our car just as we were reversing out of the space. Luckily Peter just saw him in time. Idiot!

In the news the story that caught my eye was 'Magician Paul Daniels cuts off finger'. Eww! What a horrible thing to happen but one that is all too common it seems. What got my interest was that he picked his finger up, jammed his badly damaged hand in his pocket, ran to his car and drove himself to hospital. How? If I did that I'd be rolling about in agony, I certainly would not be able to drive myself anywhere. I don't like Paul Daniels but it takes a certain type of courage to do what he did. The good news is the finger has been successfully reattached and he is well on the way to recovery. Good for him.

This afternoon I made a lasagna for tomorrow so Peter and Andrew can just stuff it in the oven as I'm working, my first eight hour shift. I wonder how I will cope.

Ohps, I Did It Again

I did a very silly thing today. I went out and forgot to take my house key. I only remembered when we got to Tesco and I mentioned it to Peter who then said he hadn't brought his because I always have mine. In the twenty plus years we've lived in that house we have never locked ourselves out before. We knew there was no chance of breaking in, well not without smashing a window and as they are all double glazed even that would be difficult. In the end we decided that the best thing to do was finish our shopping, go and grab a coffee from somewhere and wait for Andrew to come home, hoping he'd remembered his keys. Of course there was a complication, isn't there always, and that was that Andrew was doing the first of his A level exams this afternoon. It was quarter past two when we realised we were locked out and Andrew would not be home before three thirty. After we ran out of things to do we drove home and sat in the car on the drive and waited for Andrew's return. Ten to four he finally sauntered down the road, thankfully with key in hand. Naturally he found the whole thing hilarious.

It seems all the revision has paid off as the exam went really well, he got all the questions he was hoping for and is confident of getting a good result. He now has a week off before he has two others one after the other. He is taking a well earned break this evening before hitting the books again tomorrow. Today's exam was the one he was worrying about most as Psychology is his weakest subject. He is really strong in the next two, Biology and Physics, so I don't think he will be quite as anxious about them. However he knows that in order to get onto his course he needs a minimum of three C grades so he can't slack. After next week he gets three months grace and then has to go through it all again in May for his finals. It's going to be a stressful few months but it will be worth it in the end if it gets him where he wants to be.

Aside from the excitement of locking myself out it has been a pretty mundane run of the mill kind of day. We did the dreaded drug count in the morning and phoned through the results to the supplier who got all confused because I was ringing in a day early. I explained that I was going to the hospital tomorrow and would not be in for their call. This seemed to confuse the girl even more who thought I was going in to hospital and wouldn't need my drugs anymore. I explained that it was only for a check up and I would be needing my delivery as usual. I wish I'd never said anything now because I'm going to be worrying for two weeks that my delivery won't turn up at all.

Kodak have filed for bankruptcy protection, what a shame. Kodak was a big part of my life for quite some years. I met Peter at college where he was studying photography and I was doing my A levels and I soon became embroiled in the photographic world. I spent many a happy afternoon tramping around Aberystwyth with a camera slung round my neck or up to my elbows in chemicals in the dark room developing my efforts. My perfume in those days was 'Odeurs de Fixative'. We didn't have much money for film so we were constantly sorting through the baskets of out of date film that chemists had on sale for half price and all of it was Kodak. Even now in the camera bag where I keep my old SLR camera I still have a couple of bright yellow boxes of Kodak film. It will be so sad to see Kodak go to the wall but unfortunately they were in trouble the minute digital photography became affordable to the man in the street, they just stuck their heads in the sand and hoped the problem would go away, much to their cost.

Off to the Brompton tomorrow so probably no blog as we are usually back late. I will tell you all about it on Saturday.

Decisions, Decisions

I am so pleased and excited. Andrew got an invitation for an interview at Herts Uni yesterday. We know it is only an interview and his place isn't yet confirmed but it is a step in the right direction. I am so pleased for him and the news has really lifted his spirits and given him the momentum he needed for his first round of exams which start tomorrow. Thankfully, despite his wanting to chuck it all in last week he has kept revising and as he is getting B's in his mocks I don't have any real worries. He is at home today and has had is head in his books since nine this morning, if he fails at least it won't be from lack of trying.

Four days off, though they promise to be busy ones. I have a trip to the Brompton on Friday which I'm not really looking forward too. They want to increase my meds again but I am extremely reluctant as I've only been nausea free for about a month after the last increase. I am particularly anxious because I have a day of assessment at Harefield and don't want to be so sick I can't go. You might think I'm being over anxious but when I tell you that each time they have increased my meds so far I've ended up vomiting for weeks afterwards, sometime so badly I can't even leave the bathroom, then you will see where I'm coming from. I know it sounds silly but at the moment the trip to Harefield is so much more important to me than the possible benefits of a small med increase. At the moment I'm feeling quite well, I'm able to eat and am actually putting on a bit of weight, I don't want to rock the boat. I'm hoping the Brompton will understand and agree to delay the increase, even if it is only for a week or so otherwise I'm going to have to get tough and just flatly refuse, and I really don't want to have to do that because I get on so well with everyone there.

When I return to work next week my hours are being increased from seven to eight, almost back to normal. It has taken me so long and I thought I'd never get there but here I am all ready to give it a go and see how I get on. I expect to feel tired, I was dead on my feet when I first went back up to seven hours a day so I expect no less from going up to eight. Luckily I have very sympathetic employers who allow me to take extra rest breaks if it is all getting too much. Now if I can just avoid another chest infection I reckon I'll be well on the way to returning to how I was this time last year before my body decided to throw a spanner in the works.

The news is still full of the capsized cruise liner and the phone call that has come to light between the ship's captain and one of the people in charge of the rescue. What a shocking dereliction of duty, I hope the captain is never put in charge of another ship because I certainly would not be happy sailing with him. Eleven people have now been confirmed dead while a further twenty eight are still missing. With time passing the likelihood of anyone still being found alive is remote. Would this have changed if the captain had stayed on board until all the passengers had been taken off? I doubt it but it would have made the families of the dead and the missing feel better knowing that their loved ones hadn't been abandoned by the man responsible for their safety.

Today was housework day. I had hoped that the weather would be nice enough to go out and take a few photos but it rained for most of the day. So I did all the household chores in the hope that if we do get a nice day during my remaining three days off I'll have time to go out and enjoy myself. How much do you want to bet that the only nice day will be Friday, when I'm at the hospital?

Every Cloud....

Was it a full moon this weekend? I have to ask as there have been some weird and wonderful calls, most of which had nothing to do with us at all.

Apart from the public my colleagues have also been less than happy these last few days. Everyone is desperately trying to book leave but are having it turned down left, right and center. It was the main topic of conversation on a slow Sunday and I suspect it will be a theme we will be returning to many times in the next few months or weeks as shortness of staff make leave an ongoing problem. Part of the problem is that a lot of my colleagues have school aged children and so naturally want to take leave during school holidays. Thankfully this is no longer a consideration for me which is probably why I seem to have more success at booking leave than some. The moral in the room is low and I can't see it getting any better until the leave situation is resolved.

It was so cold this morning, -5C when I set off for work. My breath kept misting up the windscreen of the car which made things a bit tricky. The drive in wasn't very pleasant this morning, lots of traffic, which is unusual for seven in the morning, and most of them doing stupid things. I got really irritated by one driver who crawled along in the national limit areas then took off in the thirties. The drive home though was glorious, the roads were quiet and it was warm and sunny. All that is set to change though and we can expect it to be wet, windy and warm mid week before snow arrives for the weekend. Lovely!

Last day of the set tomorrow then four glorious days off. It will also be the last day for one of my friends who is off to bigger and better things. Jade and I joined together, trained together and have worked together for over two years. I will be sad to see her go but happy that she is moving on to something she really wants to do. I wish her well and hope she has success.

On the PHA website there is a plea for help from a mum who's young daughter is refusing to have a Hickman line inserted. I can understand her daughter's horror, I nearly did a runner when having mine put in and I'm quite a few years older. At thirteen appearance and not being different is your whole world. While the daughter worries about how it will look the mum is frantic over how to persuade her daughter to take the plunge. My only advice would be that it is a huge commitment and you have to 100% sure that this is the route you want to take. It is not a treatment you can take shortcuts with, if you do the risk of infection is high. It is certainly not something anyone should be forced into. On the plus side despite it being an absolute pain it has made a big difference to how I feel. I can do so much more than I could six months ago and although I am still prone to chest infections my PH is very stable at the moment and my heart function is almost back to normal. Thirteen is a horrible age to have to be thinking of things like this and it is so wrong that they are having to do so. I'm sure once they have weighed up the pros and cons they will make the right choice for them, I wish them well.

The news is still full of the cruise ship that sunk off Tuscany. They are still finding people alive on the ship so fears of mass deaths seem to be unfounded, at the last count it was six dead and sixteen still missing. The ship's captain has been arrested and investigations have begun into how such a modern ship could have gone over so quickly. On the plus side, it seems the cost of cruises are plummeting. Every cloud........

Also in the news it seems Laila Morse has been voted off Dancing On Ice. I forgot it was on so didn't watch it and now that Laila has gone there is no reason too. Never mind Masterchef is back on Tuesday, time for me to get my pen and paper out and try and write down a few likely looking recipe ideas. Again every cloud etc, etc.

That Sinking Feeling

A report has just been published that says that eating just two rashers of bacon a day can increase your chances of getting cancer. Ye Gods! Is there ANYTHING we CAN eat without worrying about it killing us? They have it in for sausages too so if you enjoy a good old fashioned fry up from time to time your number is up. Personally I don't pay any attention to all this scare mongering and believe in everything in moderation and you can't go far wrong. So I will continue to enjoy my bacon and sausages and anything else that takes my fancy for that matter.

Had a long discussion with Peter about what I'm going to do after I've had my transplant. He tentatively suggested that I might want to return to teaching. I must admit I've been so focused on having the transplant that I've given no thought to what happens after, well except dreaming of diving into my local swimming pool that is. It would be nice to resume my career but there are so many unknowns. For instance I don't know if I would be able to go back into the classroom purely because of the infection risk. Schools are notorious hotbeds of infection and as transplant patients are advised against using public transport because of infection risk then I imagine teaching might not be an option. It is another question to add to the list I'm building up for when I see the transplant team at the end of the month. The discussion has got me thinking though. At the moment I'm perfectly happy with the work I do, it is interesting, rewarding, gives me a sense of purpose and allows me to use my brain. However if I were really well and capable of more physical activity would I still be content to sit in front of a computer all day? I suppose that is something I will find out if I'm lucky enough to get new lungs.In the meantime it doesn't hurt to keep my options open so I might look into it to see what refresher courses I'd need.

Had an absolutely awful day at work. I just seemed to be out of step and couldn't get my act together at all. I was so glad when it was time to leave. There was no particular reason for it, the phone calls were the usual mix of sensible and insane, there were no long lulls or periods of frantic activity and everyone else seemed OK as far as I could tell. I guess I'll just have to chalk it up as 'one of those days' and hope thing go better tomorrow.

The trip into work was a delight, the sun was just rising and I drove past fields white with frost on empty roads. I didn't see any wildlife unfortunately but anything with any sense would still be tucked up nice and warm somewhere in this weather. The drive home was equally nice with a lovely sunset developing. I turned on Ozzie at full blast and sang myself back into a good humour. I hope tomorrow is better.

The big news of the day is the sinking of the cruise ship Costa Concordia off the Tuscan coast. At the moment only five people are confirmed dead and fifty are missing, which is quite astonishing considering it was carrying four thousand passengers and crew. Looking at the pictures you have to wonder how a modern vessel slipped onto it's side so quickly. I thought modern ships were supposed to have all sort of  stuff to keep it upright in the event of a collision, maybe I was wrong. Peter and I had been discussing the possibility of taking a cruise recently but looking at the pictures I must say I'm not that keen. I know this is a rare event but seeing such a huge ship on it's side does tend to put you off. Thankfully this incident has narrowly missed being a fully fledged disaster and the majority of the passengers are now safe and well onshore and will soon be back home. For those that are still missing I really hope they will also be returned to their families safe and well but as time moves forward it is sadly looking less likely.

A late start tomorrow, I'm doing the eleven to six shift, which will be a change and ensures I get a lie in. Hopefully I will feel more like myself and it will be an easier day all round.

Time On My Hands

Woke up to a beautiful, bright, crisp frosty morning. I love frosty days, everything feels so clean.

Yesterday was a different story, it was warm, dull and dank and then it started to rain. We were supposed to be going out to Costco but decided to put it off for a day as no one likes to be loading stuff into the car boot in the wet. Instead I had another small cleaning frenzy and then got the ironing out. Since Laurence left my ironing pile has halved and I whizzed through it all in less than an hour. Ironing done and I look around for something else to do, I don't feel like reading or watching TV and suddenly have to admit I'm bored. I can't remember the last time I felt bored, I'm so used to being too tired or too ill to do anything that boredom rarely had a look in. I think about getting my camera out but the lack of light and colour in the garden would mean very dull photographs, besides which the rain had sent the wildlife scurrying for cover so it was dead out there. So it was back to the cleaning and now I have the most hygienic kitchen and bathroom in the whole street. Hurry up nice weather, I want to get out and about again.

Today is more promising but I won't be going out with my camera as we have too much to do. I have to go to Costco to pick up my contact lenses or I won't be able to see tomorrow and Peter has to collect some shelving he won on ebay.

This morning I set myself the rather ambitious task of trying to cook a sweet and sour chicken from scratch. I've become a bit of a dab hand at curries so wanted to extend my skills by trying something different. It's not as easy as it looks and I ended up with something resembling marmalade. We still had sweet and sour for lunch though, only it came out of a jar and was made by Uncle Ben.

Costco was quiet and we were in and out in no time which is just the way I like it. However for a brief minute I did wish we had gone yesterday, the wind cutting through the car park was freezing. After a brief home stop to off load it was on to Luton to pick up the shelving. Everything looked fine until we got it home and then it turned out to be a shade lighter than the shelving we already have. Peter is now muttering about 'staining', I don't think he's exactly thrilled.

We arrived home to the wonderful smell of hot cake. Andrew had decided to bake some chocolate muffins while we were out. They look impressive but I'm a bit worried by his statement that he 'changed the recipe to make them more puffy.' I think he's added extra baking powder, I just hope he hasn't added too much and they still taste nice, too much baking powder can make things terribly bitter. Still I mustn't complain, it is not every teenage son who comes home and bakes his mother a treat.

Tonight is the funeral of my favourite all time soap character. I have got some chocolate at the ready but no tissues, I don't cry at fictional funerals. I will however mourn the passing of a great character, Eastenders will never be the same without Pat Beale/Wickes/Butcher/Evans and to be honest I'm no longer counting myself as a great fan. Like most things in life it has moved on and developed, as it should, but it is now so far removed from the original that it could be an entirely different show. I will still watch but won't stress out if I miss an episode or two from time to time.

Early to bed tonight as I'm at work again this weekend and am due in at 8am. The forecast is ice and fog, nice. I always enjoy starting the day scraping my windows just to watch them freeze up as fast as I can clear them.