Saturday, 2 August 2014

Goals and Fantasies

Today has started off very promising. For a start it is much, much cooler and as a result so am I. The knock on effect? My breathing has improved, yay! I'm looking forward to having a weekend where I'm not gasping for breath and confined to within the reaches of a fan.

Also the confirmation documents for my stay in York have arrived. Only five weeks to go now and I'm so excited. I love trips away but these have been very much curtailed in the last few years. No wonder I'm almost beside myself already. I have put them in a very safe place, where I won't forget them, and will, no doubt, look lovingly at them on a daily basis.

The garden at it's best.
I have recovered from my spat at the warfarin clinic and despite vowing never to go there again, I do this on a regular basis, have decided to ring them on Monday and book a clinic, not next week, far too soon, but week after. My levels have been stable at 2.6 since my upset in May so I'm pretty relaxed about things. If I was all over them place then of course I would have stayed yesterday. I'm not foolish about my health but I will not be mucked about. Being terminally ill means each second is precious and not to be wasted hanging around in clinics I'd rather not be at anyway. Besides which I feel the quicker I'm in and out the better for my health. I'm desperately trying to keep myself well, and although chest infections do not count, after all they are going to be cutting my lungs out so who cares if they are infected, other things do. What I'm trying to avoid is the coughs, colds, sore throats and tummy bugs which will alter my chances. With stomach bugs I can even be removed form the list for a couple of weeks until it all passes. As I'm rapidly reaching the twenty month mark I can't afford to miss an hour, just in case that hour brings my only chance, let alone a week.

This morning I took a stroll up the garden, enjoying the slight nip in the air and the fresh smell that comes after rain. I was horrified to find the brambles, which were cut back in spring had not only reappeared but were now practically everywhere and once again my heart broke that my, once lovely, garden was failing deeper into jungle state. However my sadness was tempered by the amount of blackberries that have appeared with them.In winter there is nothing I like more than a blackberry and apple crumble and it looks like I'll be having loads of those this winter. They were everywhere, still green at the moment but I reckoned I'd have at least a couple of kilos to pick. If so I might even try my hand at making jam. My mother used to make jam as we had blackcurrants, gooseberrys, and redcurrants growing in the garden and as kid we used to walk the hedgerows picking blackberrys and come home with full stomachs and full baskets. I remember cold mornings with hot toast smothered in homemade jam. Nothing ever tasted quite as good.

The highest place I've ever been, The Empire State in
 New York. I have a death grip on Andrew.
There you go I've just set myself another goal. To make jam this year, well at least try. I've also vowed that as soon as I'm able I will set up trellises and start growing tomatoes and peppers again. I miss my tomato sauces made form my own tomatoes. Shop bought just doesn't taste the same. Even if I'm not well next year I'm determined to do it and will bribe my sons to help me if Peter is too busy. One way or another the Roberts household will be growing it's own veg again next summer, well some veg.

So as we enter the second half of the year I already have several goals to aim for and now I have one for next spring too. It is so important to have these goals. As a person I've always needed to be able to aim for something and, although I've achieved somethings in a rather roundabout way, I do tend to get there in the end. I've actually set myself a long term goal that those who know me very well will find at once laughable and unachievable. That goal is to walk Sidney Harbour Bridge. Why is this laughable? Well I'm petrified of heights. Anything above a first floor window and I break out in a sweat, my mouth goes dry and I shake. However I've convinced myself that if I can go through something as terrifying as a transplant I can conquer anything. So that's exactly what I intend to do. I might ease myself in gently by trying out the Millennium Wheel and the Shard in London. Or walk across the glass floor in the Blackpool Tower. If I can to that then I'll be well on my way to my ultimate challenge.

Of course none of this will happen if I don't get that transplant and at the moment that is the only goal I can really focus on.

So today I'm going to distract myself by watching the last of the games and maybe a film or two and hope and pray that I get that call, tonight!