Friday, 1 August 2014

Future Echos

It has been a very difficult week.

The air conditioning is still not working properly and even with two fans on me I feel as though I'm melting. On top of that work has been relentless and everyone appears to be at breaking point.

So not surprisingly I was looking forward to today, despite having to attend the Warfarin clinic, just because it offered some relief. However this morning didn't exactly go as planned.

I arrived at the clinic early at just gone nine. There were a few people there but on the whole it was pretty empty so I imagined I'd be in and out fairly quickly. How wrong was I! My clinic works on a 'first come, first served' basis and so generally the earlier you arrive the quicker you will be seen. On the last few occasions when I've arrived early I've been in and out in ten minutes. Not so today. I began to notice that people arriving after me were being taken in and sent on their way. I spoke to the receptionist who assured me there were only three people ahead of me so I calculated a wait of approx fifteen  minutes.

The queue was beginning to grow and soon all the seats had been taken. I was then approached by a young mum with a child of approximately four. She demanded I give up my seat for her child. This child was running up and down the corridor but the mum said she needed to sit down as she was 'tired'. I refused passing comment that she looked pretty lively to me. The people around me started to give me accusing looks as the mum stated very loudly that I looked pretty healthy to her and that in her opinion I was lazy to refuse to give up my seat. I snapped at this point and yelled at the stupid woman that I was waiting for a heart.lung transplant while waving my pump at her and asked if that was ill enough 'in her opinion'. Sympathy instantly swung in my direction and the mum grabbed her irritating offspring and retreated to the other end of the room.

By now I'd been sitting waiting to be called for over an hour so I went up to the desk and was told that I still had three people ahead of me. I asked how that could be possible and why people were still being taken in ahead of me and the receptionist just shrugged and muttered something about them needing to see the nurse. Hot on the heels of my altercation I'd had enough. I grabbed my book off the desk and told them I wasn't prepared to wait any longer and left.

There are two problems with having PH and being terminally ill. The first is that, because the drugs tend to make you hot, you look a lot healthier than you really are as most of the time you are all rosy cheeked and glowing. This is not the first time I've been accused of faking by ignorant members of the public and, no doubt, it won't be the last. The second problem is that medical institutions think that if you are ill you really don't have anything better to do than hang around in waiting rooms waiting for them to do something. They are always amazed when I say I have to go to work or go shopping or see the dentist. I mean, how dare I have a life!

This week I've been plagued by vivid dreams. In them I am always doing something active, either running or swimming or climbing a mountain. These are all things I used to do and have dreamed about before but these recent dreams have one big difference. Instead of seeing myself as I was then, as I usually do in dreams, I see me as I am now. I'm guessing they have been brought about by the games, I watched a sprint the other day and realised I'd forgotten what it felt like to run, but they are just different somehow. I'm not sure whether I'm watching echos from my past or visions of my future. I'd like to say the latter but of course at the moment that is a dream too far. All I know for sure is that with each passing day I'm growing more impatient, more restless, more desperate and I don't know how to control it.


It think my gloomy mood is in some part down to the fact I'm a bit off colour today. We all have them, those days when you just don't feel quite right and yet you cannot put your finger on why. I'm guessing in my case it's down to the heat and the lack of sleep. I'm getting so agitated during these dreams that I wake myself up. I think I need a weekend of peace and quiet so I'n going to start by making an enormous fruit smoothie and settling down with a book. And I'm starting right now.