Sunday, 23 March 2014

Sleeping with the What If's

I cannot begin to tell you how tired I feel at the moment. Two nights of disturbed sleep and I'm a complete zombie.

Last night I went to bed deliberately late hoping that sleep would come quickly as I was so exhausted from the previous night. I'd been brooding all day about Lynsey and Kelly and no matter what I did I couldn't get either of them out of my head.

I'd thrown myself into a frenzy of activity, cooking, cleaning and even going out to get some completely un-necessary shopping but nothing worked. I ate a whole bar of chocolate, immersed myself in the worst film I could find and still the bad thoughts kept coming. It was as though I was on a knife edge waiting for some more bad news to come my way.

When I eventually slipped between the sheets I could hardly see straight and did fall asleep quite quickly but kept waking myself up. I'd get to the lovely drowsy stage and then my heart would suddenly race and I'd jerk back to consciousness feeling panicky and breathless. I was literally too scared to sleep. My mind kept racing around in a circle. What if I never get the call? What if I don't wake up tomorrow and I'm number three? What if I do get the call but it doesn't work? What if? What if? Around and around and around the thoughts went while my heart raced more and the panic grew until finally I got out of bed and went and had a drink. Having calmed myself down a little I tried again and did manage a fitful few hours.

By seven this morning I'd given up and just lay quietly under the covers trying to control my breathing. Again the thoughts invaded my head and I gave up trying to relax altogether. The result is that I don't feel well today, some will say that's not surprising while others will say it is my own fault. Both would be right.

However I can't help feeling scared. Some people seem to view me as a sort of super woman. Taking everything in my stride, never faltering, never stopped by anything but they are so, so wrong. Deep, deep down I'm a coward and very, very occasionally this part of me takes over and that's when I know I'm really in trouble. The events this weekend have unleashed this cowardice and all I want to do is run away screaming and hide, but I can't I have to turn and face what's chasing me. The question is how? How am I expected to do that? How can I push the fear back again when it is becoming stronger and I am weaker? This has become an unfair contest and it is one I fear, that bloody word again, I am starting to lose.

Yesterday I was angry, today I'm just numb. I have nothing left to fight with.